Love Languages and the Bible

I mentioned in the message Sunday that Paul’s exhortation in Eph 5:25 to the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church is not an exhortation to love his wife the way that she wants to be loved. It occurred to me as I prepared that message last week that the idea of loving someone the way that he or she wants to be loved is precisely what the Love Languages encourage us to do.

What are Love Languages? The concept comes from a book written by Dr. Gary Chapman entitled The Five Languages. Here is the publisher’s description of the book:

Are you and your spouse speaking the same language? While love is a many splendored thing, it is sometimes a very confusing thing, too. And as people come in all varieties, shapes, and sizes, so do their choices of personal expressions of love. But more often than not, the giver and the receiver express love in two different ways. This can lead to misunderstanding, quarrels, and even divorce. Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Dr. Gary Chapman identifies five basic languages of love and then guides couples towards a better understanding of their unique languages of love. Learn to speak and understand your mate's love language, and in no time you will be able to effectively love and truly feel loved in return. Skillful communication is within your grasp!

There is one sentence (at least) in the above paragraph that raises a red flag for me. This can lead to misunderstanding, quarrels, and even divorce. What can lead to misunderstandings, quarrels, and even divorce? Spouses not speaking each other’s love language – in other words, spouses not loving each other the way they want to be loved.

What does God’s Word have to say? Do misunderstandings, quarrels, and divorce come from a failure to speak the right love language? James 4:1-3 addresses the question:
1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

What causes strife? Not getting what you want (v1). What is the result of not getting what you want? Sin (v2). Why do you not get what you want? Two reasons: 1) you do not ask, or 2) you ask selfishly.

Strife in marriage is not a result of an ignorance of love languages. Strife in marriage is a result of the sinful response to not getting what you want. Your passions are at war within you.

So shouldn’t we just give our spouses’ what they want? Wouldn’t that fix the problem? That is the solution proposed by the Five Love Languages, but not James 4. If we take a look at the next few verses, the whole point of the passage becomes clear:

4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? 6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

What is the real issue? Is it that other humans are not meeting our needs, whether that be a spouse, a friend, or a pastor? No. The real problem lies in seeking our fulfillment in the world rather than in God (v4). God jealously desires our worship (v5). But when we seek fulfillment in our spouses and sin because they do not give us what we want, it becomes clear that we are not worshiping God, but the things of this world. All sin is an offense against God, therefore when we sin because we do not get worldly fulfillment, we have placed worldly things above God in our hearts. Essentially, we choose the devil over God.

What is the solution? Submit to God, and resist the devil (v7). Draw near to God, cleanse your hands, purify your hearts, mourn over your selfishness, and humble yourself before the Lord. In other words, desire God above all things, not the self-centered worship of what your spouse (or anyone else) can do for you.

It all comes down to your definition of love. The worldly definition is “give them what ever they want.” The biblical definition is to desire the person’s highest good. And as I mentioned last Sunday, sometimes desiring your spouse’s highest good will require doing exactly what they don’t want you to do.

Let me say clearly that I do think it is a good thing to give preference to your spouse. Romans 12:10 tells us to “give preference to one another in honor.” There is nothing wrong with wanting to please your spouse or show your affection in a tangible way that they prefer. However, this should not be seen as the key to marital bliss, especially if in the end the motive for serving your spouse is self-centered.

The problem with some of these books is the implicit “give-in-order-to-get” mentality that they produce. It accommodates the reduction of your spouse to nothing more than a vending machine – give them what they want and they’ll dispense what you want. Biblical love is so much higher and more selfless than this.

God’s Word is sufficient. In Christ, as revealed in Scripture, we have been given all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Pet 1:3-4). And yet, new books are being touted all the time as the best thing that ever happened to marriage. Do we really need these things? 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love is. And in v5 it says that love does not insist on its own way.

I would submit that if a marriage is suffering from misunderstanding, quarrels, and even impending divorce, it is not a result of an ignorance of the love languages. It is a result of a man and woman refusing to obey God’s revealed will. Follow God’s Word and you’ll never need another marriage book again.

Resources for your family

Pastor Greg asked me to post a brief recommendation of a family devotional book as well as where to find some good online sermons.

The specific book that was mentioned this morning is called "Training Hearts, Teaching Minds" by Starr Meade. If you click the title, you will link to Amazon's entry for this book.

The book is based on the Westminster Shorter Catechism, one of the finest theological works in the history of the church. If you aren't familiar with the term, "catechism" is an old word that means "to sound down" doctrine into one's heart. It is a simple question and answer series which will take your children from the purpose of man to how God has saved us to how to pray. It is a wonderful tool.

The book stays with one question for an entire week, giving short biblical lessons that reinforce each question/answer. By the end of the week your child will have memorized the question and answer PLUS be able to explain what it means from scripture.

The only caveat I would give is to please use caution when the subject of water baptism is addressed. Because this is a reformed work, the author (and Westminster's confessions), support infant baptism as a covenant sign for children of believing parents. We do not teach this at Providence and I recommend you skip that question. Also, some of the questions are quite lengthy, so I edit them for the sake of my younger two kids. Overall, however, you simply can't beat the depth and doctrinal instruction you'll receive from Westminster's Catechism.

Also, I was thinking of an excellent site or two where I download many sermons. First, there is Mongerism's .mp3 page. Sermons are categorized by topic, book, author, etc. You will find some fantastic resources here. As before, I would like to offer a caveat...many of these sermons will support certain reformed doctrines with which you may disagree. For example, I do not believe God's purpose for the nation of Israel is finished. However, there is room in orthodox Christianity for a different view on this issue. The reformers were mostly amillennial, for example, and you may hold a different view. Nevertheless, the primary doctrinal truths of scripture will be supported by the speakers at this site. It is a terrific place to find just about anything.

One other site I've enjoyed lately is this one...There are many great resources there as well.

Finally, I want to recommend my favorite of all, Grace To You. Last November, John MacArthur's ministry decided to make available all 4000 or so sermons he's ever preached - for no charge. You can search by passage, series, date, and hear anything he's ever done at Grace Community Church. This is a gold mine...

Have a God-honoring week as you fill your iPod!
Brian

Godly Sorrow, Repentance, and Fruit

(We are continuing the series on how to identify true sorrow and repentance. If you haven’t already, you may want to read the first, second, and third parts of this series.)

Heart Change
With true repentance and faith, there is also a genuine change of heart. Because the heart is the vehicle of worship, any turning from a sin idol toward Christ will necessarily involve a turning of the heart. The person’s affections are transformed from loving sin to loving God and other people. This change of heart is manifested in the object of one’s sorrow. The repentant person has sorrow over his offense against God, while the unrepentant person has sorrow for himself. The outward turning from sin toward God is a reflection of the inward change of heart.

We find an example in the life of David. In Psalm 51, he makes no mention of the consequences of his sin, but is concerned only with reconciliation with God, as he prays in v10, Create in me a clean heart. Paul understood this change to be the object of his teaching in 1Tim 1:5: the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

Joel 2:12-13a shows that it is this inward heart change that God desires rather than outward ritual: “Yet even now,” declares the LORD, “Return to Me with all your heart, and with fasting, weeping and mourning; and rend your heart and not your garments.” And yet the unrepentant person, because there has been no turning to Christ in faith, has no true heart change in regard to his sin. His change will amount only to the outward rending of his garments. His worship will resemble that of Israel, of whom God said in Isa 29:13b, “[They] honor Me with their lip service, but they remove their hearts far from Me, and their reverence for Me consists of tradition learned by rote.”

It is important to note the since we cannot see the human heart, the only evidence we will have of a person's repentance will be the fruit of his life. It is only from a changed heart that obedience springs forth in the form of fruit in keeping with repentance.

Fruit in Keeping with Repentance
John the Baptist challenged the Pharisees and Sadducees in Matt 3:8 to “bear fruit in keeping with repentance.” It is impossible for a person to be truly repentant and not show any signs of fruit. In true repentance the Holy Spirit always effects change.

This fruit will be seen in both a negative and a positive change in behavior. The negative change comes in the form of the ceasing of the sinful activity of which the person repented. This is a function of putting off the sin, putting on Christ, and “making no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts” (Rom 13:14). A repentant person will be eager to engage in the radical amputation spoken of in Matt 5:29-30. He will desire to cut off all sources of temptation in his pursuit of Christ.

The positive change will come in the form of the cultivation of Christ-like attributes, as found in Gal 5:22-23: The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These virtues will be the direct result of having put on Christ. A person who has truly repented of gluttony should manifest the fruit of self-control. A person who has truly repented of anger should manifest the fruit of patience and kindness. The presence or absence of such fruit will be the most telling indication of whether or not someone has experienced the godly sorrow that leads to repentance.

On the other hand, a person of worldly sorrow, because he has not yielded to Christ in faith and therefore experienced a genuine change of heart, will exhibit no such fruit. He will be relegated to his own man-made outward acts of false piety. This is the essence of penance, spoken of in Col 2:23, These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence. Not only will there be no positive change in the form of Christ-like fruit, but there will be no negative change in the form of the permanent turning from sin. The person most likely will be hesitant to make significant changes in order to make no provision for the flesh. He will repeatedly fall back into the sin that precipitated his worldly form of sorrow.

The ability to recognize true sorrow and repentance is a vital thing for your own life. If you are dealing with a sin that you just can’t seem to overcome, reread this series of posts with that sin in mind. Could it be that you have never truly repented? The sorrow that you feel for your sin – is it sorrow over how you have offended our holy God or is it sorrow over the consequences? Have you turned away from the sin and toward Christ in faith? Or are you simply trying through your own flesh to stop sinning? Scripture has given us truths that will allow us to examine our own hearts. I encourage you to do so.

Recognizing true sorrow and repentance is also important in our efforts to help each other battle sin. Whether you are meeting with an accountability partner who is seeking help with a particular sin or you are engaged in a church discipline situation, using these truths, you will be able to assist those fellow believers in understanding the essence of repentance. May the Lord impress upon us the importance of dealing with our sin and returning to fellowship with Him.

Godly Sorrow, Repentance, and Faith

Not only will godly sorrow and true repentance be evidenced by the characteristics mentioned in 2 Cor 7:11 (as outlined in my previous two posts, here and here), they will always be accompanied by faith. Repentance can never exist by itself. This is true whether it is the initial repentance that takes place at salvation or the ongoing repentance that takes place in sanctification. There is always the turning from sin and toward Christ. Spurgeon once said that repentance is “the twin sister to faith.” This is clearly the case as 2 Cor 7:10 says that godly sorrow produces a repentance without regret, “leading to salvation.” Salvation is by faith (Eph 2:8), so if repentance leads to salvation, then repentance must be accompanied by faith.

In Matt 11:28-29b, Jesus says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me…” There cannot merely be the unloading of one’s sin burden in repentance. The sinner must also take up the yoke of Christ by faith, which includes being subject to Him and obedient to Him. Commenting on this passage, John MacArthur observes in The Gospel According to Jesus, “The invitation applies only to those who know they are at the end of their own resources, people desperate to turn from self and sin to the Savior.” This makes perfect sense in light of biblical teaching on the subject of heart worship. Rom 1:23 teaches that when man rejected God, he did so to turn to idolatry. The heart of man was designed to worship and it must worship something. If it is not worshiping Christ, it will worship idols of sin.

This concept is shown in the life of the nation of Israel in Jer 2:13: "For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” The sinful rejection of God always involves two components. First, it consists of the turning away from Him, and second, the turning toward sin. Repentance and faith can be viewed as the reverse. Godly sorrow leads first to the turning from sin, and second to the turning toward Christ in faith.

That is why we frequently find in the New Testament the two-pronged method of dealing with sin, commonly referred to as “putting off and putting on.” Rom 13:12-14 shows this pattern: “The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.” Put off sin, put on Christ. Similar passages can be found in Eph 4:22-24, Col 3:8-11, and 2 Tim 2:22.

This faith that accompanies repentance trusts in Christ for the power and grace to overcome sin. Eph 3:20 speaks of the power of God that works within us. This does not mean that one should sit back and wait for God to expend all of the effort required for sanctification. Rather, he should take to heart Paul’s words in Phil 2:12b-13: “…work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Conversely, with worldly sorrow and penance there is no such faith. This kind of person has not despaired of his own strength. He feels no sorrow for having offended God, but rather feels sorrow for having suffered the consequences. Because there is no faith, the sinner can only try in his flesh to deal with his sin. We find this very thing in the life of Judas Iscariot in Matt 27:3-5. He felt genuine sorrow over his betrayal of Christ, but it was not godly sorrow that turns to Christ in faith. Instead, Judas attempted to deal with his sin in his own strength by hanging himself, the ultimate act of penance.

The unrepentant man attempts to turn from his sin without turning to Christ in faith. But his penance does not work because it is founded upon self-trust. Col 2:19 speaks of this kind of individual. In his “fleshly mind” he does not “hold fast to the head, from whom the entire body, being supplied and held together by the joints and ligaments, grows with a growth which is from God.” Because he is not attached to Christ the head, there is no spiritual growth. Therefore, not only will the unrepentant person show no progress in defeating his sin, he will show little affection and striving after Christ.

Godly sorrow that leads to repentance is always accompanied by faith in Christ. Next time, we’ll look at another essential element of godly sorrow: heart change.

Godly Sorrow That Leads to Repentance - Pt 2

Last week I started a short blog series on the differences between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow: how to know if repentance is genuine or if it is a cheap counterfeit – penance. 2 Cor 7:8-11 are a key text for this topic. V11 outlines seven characteristics produced by godly sorrow that can be used to determine whether or not our own sorrow over our sin is true godly sorrow or self-centered worldly sorrow. We covered the first three last time, so we’ll look at the other four today.

Fourth, godly sorrow produces fear. Rather than the natural worldly fear of man, the sorrow that leads to repentance is accompanied by the fear of God. This is a reverence for both God’s holiness and His wrath against sin, which serves as a deterrent for returning to one’s sin. Proverbs 16:6b says, By the fear of the LORD one keeps away from evil. Someone characterized by this kind of sorrow will not dare presume upon the grace of God, but will walk with a healthy dread of the wrath of God as well as a reverence for His holiness.

Fifth, godly sorrow produces longing. When the sinner truly understands his offense against the Lord, his heart longs for reconciliation. This is a wholesale pursuit of repair of one’s relationship with God and Christ. We see this in the life of the apostle Peter. In Matt 26:75, Peter is shown to be gripped with sorrow over his denial of Christ. That sorrow proved to be godly sorrow in John 21:7, when Peter, while fishing with John, learns that Jesus is at the shore, and casts himself into the sea to swim to the Savior. The godly sorrow that leads to repentance draws one with longing to the Lord.

Sixth, godly sorrow produces zeal. This is defined as “intense positive interest in something.” In other contexts, the word is translated “jealousy.” 2 Cor 11:2 speaks of Paul’s “godly jealousy” for the church at Corinth since he betrothed her as a bride to Christ. So there is a sense of zealous ownership to this word. The person of godly sorrow has a passion for God as the One to whom the sinner belongs. The person is captivated by his desire for the Lord.

Seventh, godly sorrow produces avenging of wrong. This speaks of a person’s desire to root out any vestiges of sin in his own life. Having been grieved by his sin against God and indignant on God’s behalf, the sinner goes on the offensive against other sin in his life so as to better serve and glorify the Lord. It is important that this not be confused with attempting to punish oneself in order to earn favor with God. That is penance. Rather this is simply the desire to glorify God by abhorring and killing one’s own sin.

Paul concludes v11 by writing, In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter. In other words, by these signs of godly sorrow the Corinthians showed their repentance to be genuine. They were forgiven of their sin. When we look at these products of godly sorrow together, we can see how it is that godly sorrow leads to repentance. Each of the seven products speaks of love for God and hatred for sin. Without explicitly stating it, Paul has hinted at a biblical definition of repentance, that is, turning away from sin and toward God.

Worldly sorrow, on the other hand, rather than being centered on the glory of God and leading to repentance, leads to death. If it is godly sorrow that produces the characteristics in v11, then worldly sorrow must be devoid of these characteristics. The old sinful man is still thriving. There is no diligence in pursuing righteousness, no vindication of guilt, no indignation on God’s behalf, no fear of God and deterrent from sin, no longing for Christ, no zeal for His glory, or hatred for sin. The absence of all of these things points to an absence of repentance and an absence of salvation, which means death. This sorrow then is not a sorrow for sin committed against God, a grieving for an offense to His holiness. Rather it is a self-centered sorrow, a sorrow that comes from being caught. It is concerned more with the consequences of sin than with the glory of God.

I encourage you to take this passage to heart and examine yourself. Are there any areas of sin in your life which you cannot seem to overcome? Is it possible that the sorrow you have felt over this sin is worldly sorrow rather than godly sorrow?

Next time we’ll look at another difference between true repentance and penance: faith.

Piper on Submission and Headship

Brian Jonson forwarded this to me. It's a great article from John Piper about how his parents modeled submission and headship in their home. Very helpful considering our current message series. I highly recommend it.

Resolved

The Resolved Conference, hosted by Grace Community Church, began last night. Click here to register and you can watch it live online.

Here is the schedule:

Friday, June 12
4pm - Registration
8pm - Session 1, Rick Holland

Saturday, June 13
11am - Session 2, Steve Lawson
5pm - Session 3, C.J. Mahaney
6pm - Session 4, Enfield Concert

Sunday, June 14
11am - Session 5, Steve Lawson
5pm - Session 6, John MacArthur
7pm - Session 7, John Piper

Monday, June 15
9am - Session 8, Rick Holland
11am - Session 9, John MacArthur
5pm - Session 10, C.J. Mahaney
7pm - Session 11, John Piper