Romantic comedies are a tool of Satan.
At least, they can be. Think about what they do to us. Rather, think about how they play on our sinfulness. Before we get married, we watch the romcoms and swoon. They make us love love. We get excited about the possibility of finding someone like the perfect man or woman depicted in the movie. “I can’t wait for someone to make me feel like that!” They are modern day fairy tales, pushing a myth of perfect compatibility and easy harmony—exactly what our sinful hearts believe we deserve. Sure, each movie typically presents one or two hiccups in the relationship, but the fix is usually simple and the happiness immediate.
Some of us have a whole different reaction to romcoms a few years after we get married. We still swoon…until the credits roll. Then we get angry—not at Hollywood, but at our spouses for failing to be the person in the movie. We think, even if we don’t say it, “you don’t make me feel like that.” We know we’ve just watched a fictional story, but we truly believe we deserve the fairy tale.
Romantic fairy tales play on our fallen belief that we are the center of the universe and others should deliver happiness to us. A sense of entitlement to easy bliss can lead us to disillusionment and even walking away, emotionally or literally, from our spouses.
We need to wake up. The love for which marriage is built does exist, but it comes as a result of a wonderful form of selfless, reckless abandon. The fairy tale is a tool of the enemy intended to cause dissatisfaction with God’s good gift of marriage. The devil knows that as long as we hold onto that fairy tale, we will never experience the joy that God actually intends to eventuate from a godly, gospel-depicting marriage. We must chunk the fairy tale and embrace a glorious reality.
We have to do the hard work. The Fall has rendered every spouse a self-centered power-monger (Gen 6:5). Even the meekest among us have within their hearts the desire to do their own thing and have their own way. The good news is that the gospel has given all the tools necessary to live a pre-Fall marriage (Eph 2:1-10). The Lord Jesus has freed us from sin and given us new hearts, placing His own Spirit there to cause us to live in accordance with our new identity in Him (Eze 36:26-27). However, because we have incompletely sanctified hearts, it takes work (Titus 2:14, 3:8, 3:14; Heb 12:14; 2 Pet 1:5). Holy-Spirit-empowered, grace-infused hard work. Therefore, we must embrace the hard work, tenaciously fighting for the godly love that God has designed for us.
Hard work will mean different things in different marriages. You may have years of hurts that have piled up. The thought of working through them is beyond daunting, like an unclimbable mountain. Look to Christ and the hill He climbed to make you His. No one has ever worked harder and through more pain than the Lord Jesus. Honor and commend Him by vowing you’ll die before you give up. Remember that the Spirit who rested upon Him dwells within you!
Your problems may not seem that serious, yet they still require a determination to get moving. If you’re a bad communicator, own it and work on it. If your spouse says you’re insensitive, you probably are. Recognize it and ask a brother or sister in Christ to help you. Like you would with any gift in your life that requires regular maintenance, determine what needs to be done and get after it.
We have to say yes to counseling. Some issues require more concentrated help. God has given the church to the church to help the church be the church (Eph 4:7-16). Counseling is one of those blessed advantages to living life in a community of believers (Rom 15:14; 1 Thess 5:11, 14). Yet, for some, going to counseling is the highest admission of personal failure and defeat, so pride keeps them away. For others, the pain of the past is bad enough without a third party entering the mix. Still others refuse because they believe the problems in the marriage exist only in the head of their spouse. Godly commitment will move you to say yes to counseling even if you don’t think you need it. When your spouse asks you to go to counseling, you have just been told your spouse is distressed. When you say no, for whatever reason, you’ve just told them, “I don’t care; you’re not worth the trouble.” Such a sentiment is wholly unacceptable for those who would emulate Christ.
Get up and run after your spouse! Don’t wait for someone else to feed you happiness. Do the godly thing and chase your spouse into the counseling room! Show some godly desperation. Let the counselor decide whether or not you need counseling.
We have to say no to self. What is personally convenient just happens to be what is often deadly for intimacy. Search the Gospels. You’ll never find on the lips of Jesus the idea, “I just don’t feel like it” or “That’s not good for me.” A Christ interested strictly in His own pleasure never would have left heaven. There was nothing convenient about His condescension, incarnation, temptation, and crucifixion. There was nothing easy about pouring Himself out for His bride. However, that’s what godly love does (Eph 5:25-28). It pours itself out. Jesus humbled Himself and became a servant, even to the point of death (Phil 2:5-8). If we would commend His gospel in our marriages, we must also empty ourselves in our desperate pursuit of the one we love.
There are any number of ways this could be applied depending upon your unique situation. If non-essential things—hobbies, career, etc.—are preventing you from spending quality time with your spouse, get ruthless with your own calendar and self-interest. Remove whatever needs to be removed in order to make time for what is truly important—your spouse. If your parents have put themselves between you and your spouse, address the situation so that your spouse doesn’t have to. Confess sin and ask forgiveness. Embrace the inconvenient and seemingly unnecessary.
The person married today who is content either to wait for the fairy tale or to live with disillusionment and resentment over unmet expectations will end up with nothing special. Only one class of spouse will end up enjoying what God intended marriage to be—a precious few who refuse to be held back from bliss by the apparent indignity of showing godly desperation. Which will you be?
You may not want to let go of the fairy tale. Here’s the truth: that fairytale is poisonous. It will cause you to resent your spouse. That fairy tale was not a gift from God. Your spouse is a gift from God. He has designed the goodness of marriage to be received through the strenuous pursuit of intimacy. Our being relieved of the fairy tale should lead us not to sadness, but to glad freedom. We are no longer deceived, and we're free to passionately chase what God has given us.
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