In this post, I’d like to suggest some ways of loving our wives that are not directly commanded by the Scriptures but which are implications of the Scriptures. For that reason, they may not be so obvious to us. Yet, I commend them to you as biblical expressions of “giving ourselves up” for our brides.
- Honor her with your mind.
I don’t have in mind here avoiding ungodly fantasy, which we obviously should do. Rather, as an implication of 1 Peter 3:7, we should be careful about how we ponder our wives in our own minds.
1 Peter 3:7 reads, Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Due to our sex-saturated culture, it is tempting to abuse a passage like 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 and ponder our spouses primarily as a sexual object. Certainly, a function of marriage is the elimination of sexual temptation through loving, monogamous sexual relations. However, one ought not simply take his ungodly thoughts and re-direct them toward his spouse. 1 Peter 3:7 will not allow this.
The wife is a fellow heir of the grace of life, cherished as an equally-valued image-bearer. She is to be honored in the thoughts of her husband for her whole being, not just her body.
2. Prefer her as a staple of your leadership.
In every situation possible, prefer your wife. Where to eat, what color carpet to buy, what to name the dog, what show to watch, where to go on vacation, how to use (or not use) the tax refund…
If there is not a strong, biblical or decisively principled reason for going in a different direction, prefer your wife.
Here we are flirting with the obvious since Philippians 2:3–4 reads, Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. So also, Romans 15:2, Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Clearly, we are to prefer one another. What is not so obvious is why this is particularly loving to your wife.
God has called the wife to what may be the most difficult and vulnerable positions of service in the human experience—lifelong submission in all things to her husband (Eph 5:22). At the end of the day, unless her husband is requiring her to violate Scripture, she must follow him. That’s not only hard, but it’s a level of vulnerability that a man will seldom experience. By bending over backwards to prefer her in every possible situation, you benefit her in a very specific way: when there is an issue about which strong conviction leads you in a direction with which she does not agree, she will know you are not leading out of self-centeredness, but because you believe it is best for her. How will she know that? The regular rhythm of your life is to put her first. And while she still may disagree, it will be easier for her to submit.
3. Never criticize her to or in front of others.
This is an implication of numerous texts. I’ve already noted 1 Peter 3:7. It dishonors a wife for her husband to criticize her to others, even if she isn’t present. I also think of Ephesians 4:29: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. This also goes whether she is present or not. We tend to think of Ephesians 4:29 as pertaining strictly to those about whom the speech is spoken. But “those who hear” can be anyone. We should consider how corrupting it is to others for them to hear us demean the spouse for whom God has called us to pour out our lives. Not to mention that “those who hear” may eventually include the wife when corrupting speech gets back to her.
There is also, of course, the numerous admonitions against gossip, which is simply the more private first cousin of slander (Rom 1:29, 2 Cor 12:20; 1 Tim 5:13).
Is this to say that a husband should never address his wife’s sins? We’re commanded to address one another’s sins…privately (Matt 18:15; Luke 17:3). Additionally, his approach should be that of coming alongside to help bear a burden, not to air a grievance (Gal 6:1-2).
There is a great amount of trust built in a marriage when a wife knows that when her husband sees something that needs to be addressed, there is one person who will hear about it—her. And she will hear about it privately and in a loving approach.
4. Cherish the download.
Because 1 Peter 3:7 calls the husband to live with his wife in an understanding way, that is, “according to knowledge,” he needs to know her. That knowledge comes from both watching her and listening to her. As it pertains to listening, some husbands may need to draw their wives out. Other husbands just need to listen. At any rate, the need to know the wife in order to live with her in a godly way should make hearing her thoughts a high priority for the husband. He should cherish the download.
The lion’s share of what a man needs to know in order to love and lead his wife effectively and knowledgeably—what her concerns are, how her devotional life is going, what she loves/hates/desires/needs, how she feels physically, etc—is going to come out of her mouth in speech. Catch that speech like it’s gold, and let it inform how you lead and love her.
May the Lord help us all to grow as loving, leading husbands “as long as we both shall live,” and thereby more clearly image the great Bridegroom who so fully gave Himself up for us (Eph 5:25).
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