What if my child ___________? The number of ways in which to complete and contemplate this question as Christian parents are multitudinous. Perhaps a child grows up in a healthy, gospel-proclaiming church only to run to promiscuity after graduating high school. A child might run to substances rather than the Savior. A child decides to bow to a false faith rather than remain faithful to their Creator. No matter the entry, inspection through the lens of Scripture will lead us to joy and hope in the Lord. Failure to do so will indubitably produce discouragement and despair. The former exalts our sovereign Lord, the latter dismisses his fame. The latter manufactures anxiety that weighs us down (cf. Prov 12:25; 15:13; 17:22), the former an aura of sweet confidence and communion with Christ. The answer is obvious as to which path is better. The problem is we have a natural inclination to veer off-course. I venture to say our parental knowledge might be lacking, yet God’s word has all we need for a course correction.
The apostle Paul makes clear that knowledge of the truth invariably accords with godliness (Titus 1:1). Growth in biblical truth refuses stagnation; it must find an outlet in application. When it comes to our parenting, we need to know right things in order to live out right things for the benefit of our children and ultimately the honor of Christ. Specifically, we need to: 1) know where to go, 2) know who God is, 3) know who we are, 4) know the enemy’s objective, and 5) know how to grow.
1. Know where to go.
I’ve only existed in the parenting arena for approximately six years, but on a weekly basis I am tempted to turn inward for damage control rather than outward toward God for counsel. Scripture’s prescription is to humble ourselves before God’s mighty hand, casting all our anxieties upon him (cf. 1 Pet 5:6-7). Why? Because he cares for us (5:7). The psalmist exercised confidence in this arrangement by expressing: I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out with wearying (Ps 77:1-2a). In a fallen world, trouble will accompany parenting. But to whom are we turning? Self or God? Only the mighty hand of God can calm the troubled waters. And so we must steer ourselves to the shoreline of God’s rest. He still welcomes the weary and burdened (cf. Matt 11:28).
2. Know who God is.
The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin (Ex 34:6-7a). Despite the imperfections of Moses and the faithlessness of many generations to come, the Lord has always proved himself faithful to his people. In fact, “Christ followers have a God predisposed toward grace, compassion, covenantal love, and truth” (Robert Jones, et. al., The Gospel for Disordered Lives, 277). The term “predisposed” is absolutely key. We may be inclined to treat God as despotic when our parenting efforts are anything but stellar. but this thinking dismisses him as the wisest inviter of tears:
The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
The face of the LORD is against those who do evil.
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all (Ps 34:15-19).
In approaching God for help in times of trouble (cf. Ps 46:1), we must identify and relate to him as he truly is. Serving his people as refuge and strength are not foreign, uncomfortable works for God. This is who he is. He is magnified when we see the perfect compatibility between his holiness and eagerness to assist us in our weakness.
3. Know who we are.
In God’s varied kindness to grant us children as a heritage (cf. Ps 127:3), we must recognize that we are stewards, not sole proprietors. Our children are from the Lord, making us guards and guides of their godliness (cf. Prov 1:8-9; 6:20-23; 23:22; Eph 6:4). We are imperfect in this. By God’s grace, we can own it. However, God knowing our defective disposition, we are Spirit-empowered to pursue faithfulness in our parenting over flawlessness. A pursuit of parental faithfulness keeps us humbly approaching the Lord for comfort and courage. A pursuit of perfection in parenting will leave us disheartened. God is meticulously sovereign over the affairs of our children. Every joy and pain does not escape his watchful eye. Understanding this liberates us from assuming the role of sovereign king and places us in the pasture of privileged servitude. If we are honest, how much time do we invest in flawlessness versus faithfulness? I have no doubt our prayer lives will reveal the answer.
4. Know the enemy’s objective.
If God’s objective is to welcome and strengthen weary parents, the enemy’s aim is to get us to believe his arms are crossed. Adopting this mindset and thereby living in ungodly fear, we are motivated “to seek safety, control, and certainty” within our own incomplete wisdom (J. Alisdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, Untangling Emotions, 155). This may manifest itself in continued weeping, mulling over outcomes that may or may not come to fruition. It might also present itself in the form of creating emotional and relational distance with our children and other loved ones. No matter the display, this mindset is rooted in doubting God and treating as truth the reality that “an unpleasant situation is occurring or will occur in the immediate future” (Jones, et. al., Gospel for Disordered Lives, 274).
This potentially leads to toppling into many unfortunately well-attended pits. One pit that remains active is the pit of past parental failure. Because I did __________, there is no way my child will ___________. Sound familiar? Take a trek back to Exodus 34, dear friend. It is God’s delight to forgive iniquity. He is still in the business of restoring wasted years (cf. Joel 2:25-27). Another pit is that of preserving relationships. In other words, it may be tempting to ensure you are your child’s most beloved friend rather than their guardian of godliness. There is nothing wrong with friendship, and may the Lord grant us lifelong joy with our children. But there is something of eternal significance at stake: their relationship with God. We cannot afford to settle for temporal happiness while leaving their eternal wellbeing left unattended. Still yet, another pit is one of legalism. A series of books could be written on this issue, but suffice it here to say that we can succumb to the temptation to make our children do things of religious value without instructing how such things do not earn merit before God. Formula, no matter the validity of tradition or preference, must steer clear of the fact that it is Christ alone who earned and offers salvation. Legalistic living may keep us off the radar of others thinking we are terrible parents, but the hearts of our children will suffer the consequences.
I have no doubt you could help me add to this list of pits. It might be conducive for us to stop reading now and prayerfully consider ways in which we have lately bought into the enemy’s tactics. He is a schemer, relentlessly pursuing the destruction of our joy and effectiveness in parenting (cf. 1 Pet 5:8). Likewise, he is seeking our children—to lead them away from satisfaction in Christ. His use of media, peers, faithless parenting, among other strategies, are tangibly observable. Therefore, firm faith in our parenting is required along with a resolve to resist the enemy (cf. 1 Pet 5:9). There are no substitutes.
5. Know how to grow.
Firm faith requires training. The same grace that brought to us salvation is active in training us to renounce ungodliness and live for the honor of Christ as we await his return (cf. Titus 2:11-14). This includes growth in parenting. To this end, there are at least five points of application worthy of our attention:
A. We must pursue God through expectant, gratitude-infused prayer (Ps 34:17; Phil 4:6; James 5:16b). God really does hear the cries of our parenting woes. He understands perfectly the longing of our hearts to see our children flourish under his lordship. He understands our aching spirit when our children delight in a prodigal lifestyle rather than one of undivided devotion to him. Prayer is not the last resort; it is the first privilege of receiving help from God.
B. We must pursue personal godliness (1 Tim 4:7b-8). The foremost action we can take in caring for our children is ensuring the existence of a vibrant personal devotional life. No matter the level of resistance, our children are watching us. They take note when our Bibles remain on the bookshelf. They are affected by our lack of prayer. They are impacted by our pursuit of biblical fellowship. Never let it be said that we are the reason Christ is unattractive to our children.
C. We must pursue our children with grace (Eph 4:29). What are we bringing to our children, compassion or Scripturally-uninformed control? Like us, our children are worshipers. Whether they worship the living God or the entrapments of a fallen world, Christ must be proclaimed to them as their only help and hope. We must move toward our children in truth-speaking love, that they might comprehend we are with them fighting against the schemes of the devil (cf. Eph 6:10-12).
D. We must pursue counseling for specific issues (cf. Prov 11:14; 15:22). Life is complicated, just like the hearts of our children. A blog the length of this one fails to provide the nuanced counsel that might be required to strengthen your parenting efforts. Your child might require individual care with a trained biblical counselor. My counsel here: Do not keep your parenting struggles in the shadows and help your children to bring their issues to the light. There is too much joy in the Lord at stake to remain silent. (Click HERE to get started.)
E. We must pursue remembrance of all God has done and is doing. What type of record are you keeping? We will either keep track of our children’s wrongdoings, our failures as parents, or God’s abundant faithfulness. The second book of the Psalter (Psalm 42-72) is replete with anguish. (You might find yourself needing to run there to express to the Lord lament and distress.) Yet the shadows of felt despair are accompanied by the increasing light of hope in the Lord:
48:9 - We have thought on your steadfast love, O God, in the midst of your temple.
57:2 - I cry out to God Most high, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
62:2 - He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
63:7 - for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
77:11 - I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
We will likely experience seasons of parenting in which tears will be our daily nourishment (cf. Ps 42:3). It is in these moments of anxiety that we must cling to God as our helper, the Lord as the unwavering support of our lives (cf. Ps 54:4). He tenderly cares for us—imperfect us. In moments of weakness, may the Lord lead you to dependently cry these words:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God. (Ps 42:5-6a, 11)