Most of us parents are aware of the biblical admonition to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Most of us do our best. Yet we also have seasons of selfishness and/or survival that result in our missing the mark in a variety of ways. The years whiz by, and suddenly, we’re parents of adult children. We lament our failures and worry that our ability to influence them for the kingdom is gone. If that’s where we find ourselves, what should we do?
Recognize and honor the biblical transition in the parent/child relationship. It is certainly true that parenting adults is different than parenting children. This is not just logical; it’s biblical. There is a clear indication of a transition at the point of our children marrying, as indicated in Genesis 2:24. However, other Scriptures imply that adulthood in general — not just marriage in particular — marks a change in the relationship between parents and children.
The Bible directly commands parents to prepare their children for adulthood. Ephesians 6:4 read, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Similarly, Proverbs 22:6 instructs, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
These verses assume there is a trajectory for our parenting: we’re preparing our children to live for the Lord as responsible adults. It is implied that once they reach adulthood, that role fades. This is strongly implied by Proverbs 22:6. A child is under the parent’s direction. If that direction is solid, it will continue to influence even when the adult is no longer under the parent’s direction.
Rightly understood, the whole book of Proverbs does this work. Most of the book entails Solomon preparing his sons for adulthood. If he intended for them to depend upon his directives for their whole lives, there would be no need for the imparting of wisdom.
So, we are right to acknowledge that things are different now that our children are adults. This is important to keep in mind when we are troubled by our past parenting failures. Our temptation may be to make up for our mistakes through continued directive parenting. In other words, we want to fix our parenting mistakes by continuing to tell our adult children what to do.
I suggest that the best course includes honoring the biblical transition in parent/child relationships. Upon adulthood, we ought no longer direct our children.
This does not mean our past failures can’t be mitigated…
Confess and seek forgiveness from the Lord and your children for those failures. Perhaps we failed to teach them the Word. Maybe we failed to teach them how to resolve conflict biblically. Perhaps we modeled poor stewardship of our resources and now our children are following suit. There could be any number of ways we missed the mark of raising our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. As we would with any other sin, we should confess. We should express regret for how our failures may have affected our children. We should ask forgiveness.
Such a conversation will not only clear the conscience. It may also help to begin correcting any wrong thinking or bad habits that our failures helped to create in them.
Offer to be a source of wisdom. We are no longer in a position to give our adult children commands. Still, we can offer to help them whenever they desire wisdom. “I’m not directing your life. But I’d be happy to give my thoughts whenever you want. Just ask.”
This is not to say that unsolicited counsel is never appropriate. However, we should strive to treat our children as we would other adults of similar age. There may be scenarios into which I would insert myself unsolicited regardless of who that person was. Those situations will be few and far between, but they do exist. A helpful diagnostic question: would I insert myself here if the situation involved another adult, not my child? If so, it may be appropriate to offer unsolicited counsel.
For the most part, we do not offer unsolicited counsel to other people. So, we should be extremely judicious in doing so with our adult children. However, we can make sure they know we are willing to help when they desire.
Model for them the godliness that you wish you had trained in them. Modeling godliness is crucial no matter the stage of parenting. When our children are young, nothing will build resentment more quickly than our placing one standard on them while holding ourselves to a lower one. When they are adults, our actions may make more of an impression in the long-run than what we say. For these reasons among many others, believing parents should make personal sanctification and godly service their lifelong pursuits.
Model meaningful church membership. Model devotional zeal. Model selfless service in your marriage. Image Christ in all things. Such pursuits will benefit you and commend godliness and wisdom to all those around, including your children.
Pray fervently for your children. I’ve had a number of conversations with “new” parents of adult children trying to adjust to the new dynamic. It’s not unusual for someone in the conversation to say, “All you can do is pray.” As parents of adult children, we feel that, without our former tools of direction and even coercion, our hands are completely tied. Might as well pray at this point, we suppose.
Of course, none of us really think of prayer as a last, desperate resort. But we would do well to remind ourselves regularly that praying is the best and most effective thing that can be done for our children. After all, the God to whom we pray is a far better parent than any of us. Remember what Jesus said in Matthew 7:11: “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
So…pray that your mistakes will not only be forgiven by your children, but will prove to be no lasting impediment to their maturity. Pray that God will bring a host of godly influences into their lives: godly friends, faithful pastors, holy older saints. Pray that they will love the Lord above all things, that this love will draw them to His Word, and that His Word will direct them in every way. Pray, pray, pray…
Their years of upbringing may be over. Your years of influence don’t have to be. Respect their adulthood. Seek forgiveness. Be a source of wisdom. Model godliness. Pray fervently. Just as gone is not done with you or them yet.
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