Growing up in the 1980s, one of the things we did in school music classes was learn patriotic songs. “America the Beautiful” was one of them. In fact, this song was also more commonly sung in public at the time. But one verse always puzzled me as a kid:
O beautiful for pilgrim feet,
Whose stern, impassioned stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God mend thine every flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!
I understood the references to “pilgrim feet” and spreading “across the wilderness.” I even understood that the country needed God to mend its flaws. But how was their “liberty in law”? I only understood this as I got older and grew in my understanding of society. More importantly, I really understood it when I better understood the nature of man and the gospel.
From the purely political side, the line is evoking the weight and glory of self-rule. There is no king in America. Instead, the people elect representatives which govern the Republic. Thus, there is a need for restraint and order if this grand project would succeed. Our liberty will not come from chaos by in lawful order.
But on the level of Christian worldview, there is something to learn here as well. Though loved, called, saved, and sanctified by grace, believer still live by rules. These rules do not save us (Gal 2:16). Nor should these rules become a hollow standard apart from abiding faith (John 15). Nevertheless, Jesus and his apostles give believers rules—instructions for their behavior and their heart. Why? To guide them in faith toward true godliness.
And in these rules, there is freedom. Paul will specifically say “you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Gal 5:13–14). As Christians, we are free from legalism of every kind. Yet, God’s rules for our behavior mean our freedom is not absolute. We are not free to sin and hate others. But here is the beauty of it: the rules actually allow us to flourish spiritually. They point us to what true humanity looks like. They allow us to eschew sin and its fallout in the pursuit of righteousness and its blessings, living in light of the gospel.
What does all of this have to do with parenting? Simply this: telling your kids no doesn’t stifle their freedom but promotes it.
Being raised in the 80s brought more than patriotic music classes in school. It also meant I enjoyed a lot of freedom as a kid. “Be home by sundown” was a phrase I heard more than once during the summer months. Some parents in more modern times would only say something like this if they dropped an airtag in their kids’ pocket and circled the area in their car. Others, wanting to push back against that mentality, misfire by letting their kids live and play as they want, seemingly without any rules at all. Neither approach is good.
There was great freedom on the playground and in the neighborhood for me, in part, because I knew the rules. Rules for behavior, rules for curfew, rules for talking to other adults, and more. I knew that how I could play at home was not the same for how I hung out in the church building, walked in the grocery store, or even acted while visiting someone else’s home. Being told no to certain things made the yes all the greater. It also helped me mature through self-control. There was “liberty in law.”
Giving kids rules is about more than the parents’ peace and quiet. It’s about more than a calm household or public decorum (as important as those things might be). It’s about helping shape their mind and heart to know that life is about more than themselves. There is a God who calls us to live in a way that pleases him and serves those around us. We are not the center of the world; he is. At the same time, kids also begin to learn that no amount of good or kindly behavior will save them. They need Jesus for that.
If you want to have well-adjusted, mature, flourishing teens and young adults, give them rules as kids. Help them understand that there are expectations for behavior, which are good for them and those around them. And gives them clear, consistent consequences for not obeying the rules. But what if you’ve already missed this phase and are struggling with teens who seem to reject any sort of correction on behavior? Don’t throw in the towel. Pray for God’s help and work in their hearts. If needed, apologize to them for not giving better instructions when they were younger. Then patiently show them from Scripture what honors God. Direct them to the One who wants to love them as a Father in ways better than any human father ever could, yet who also gives rules for their spiritual freedom in Christ.
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