And let us consider
how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet
together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the
more as you see the Day drawing near.
(Hebrew 10:24-25)
(This is the third in a short
series on the vital necessity of meaningful relationship in the church. You can read the earlier articles here
and here.)
A common objection to the kind of
relationship that I’ve proposed in earlier articles is that “accountability
doesn’t work.” I think conferencing,
by being others-focused, will help to correct this belief. But we also need to keep in mind why
accountability fails when it fails.
We need to know these dangers so that we can combat them. There are at least a few:
Lack of honesty. Accountability is only as useful as we are
transparent. If we’re holding back
or hiding something, it’s a complete waste of time in overcoming sin
issues. If a the person you’re
meeting with tells you he or she is not struggling with anything, that is
almost surely not true. Press that
person and help them recognize where they need help.
Letting each other off easy.
Frequently, people in accountability relationships accept vague answers
from one another. When we are
really struggling with a sin issue, we are often not forthcoming about. And so in response to accountability
questions, we give vague answers.
“Did you give into temptation this week?” “Not really.”
And since we don’t like confrontation, we accept these kinds of answers
from each other. But it’s not
loving or helpful to do so.
We need to pry a little: “What does
‘not really’ mean?” We are not
doing each other any favors by letting one another off easy. Sin that is kept in the dark is
deadly. Drag it out into the light
and it dies. We can help each
other by probing. We need to put
each other in a position to be either completely honest or completely
dishonest. “So are you saying that
you didn’t give in to that temptation at all?” “No.” “Then
what are you saying?” Just gently,
lovingly probe.
If the person confesses sin,
encourage them to repent and seek forgiveness. Ask them what you can do to help beyond that.
Lack of consistency.
It’s a common pitfall to depend upon the other person to keep the ball
rolling. One week one partner
cancels and then nobody takes the initiative to reschedule. The next thing you know it’s been
months since you met. Understand
that it is your responsibility to
obey the Scriptures, therefore it is your responsibility to make sure that
these meetings happen. If you have
a tendency to rely on others to lead, recognize that tendency up front and
resist it. Don’t wait for the
other person to schedule a meeting.
Take it upon yourself.
Lack of confidentiality. I’ve heard numerous people talk
about how they’ve become disillusioned with accountability groups because an
accountability partner shared their secret with someone else. This happens all too often. Person A shares his struggle with
Person B. Person B decides she has
a good reason to share it with Person C.
“But only with Person C. I wouldn’t want this to get out. Person C won’t tell anybody.” Person C almost always shares it with
Person D. It doesn’t take long
before Person A learns from Person M, N, or O that Person B spilled the beans. In that way, Person B destroys Person
A’s trust and Person A will likely never trust person B ever again.
We should consider anything shared
with us in a conferencing group to be on lockdown…with only one exception. If that person is unrepentant sin,
doing nothing to fight that sin, a loving brother or sister must obey the
Scriptures (Matthew 18:15-17) and bring a third party into the situation for
the purpose of helping the unrepentant person reconcile with the Lord.
If you break confidentiality for
any other reason, you will destroy that group and render it all but
useless. Proverbs 17:9 reads, …he who repeats a matter separates close
friends. Don’t share sensitive
information with anyone. Not your spouse. Not your dog. No one.
If we can recognize each of these
dangers and consciously work at overcoming them, conferencing can be a
framework that very affectively facilitates stirring one another up to love and
good works. Next time we’ll
complete this series by considering why these relationships are so important
and how to overcome our own internal objections to them.
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