(Warning: This article could be considered “not safe for
children.”)
In the first article of this series, we introduced the topic
of a widely practiced, but seldom discussed sexual sin – depriving one’s
spouse. If you missed that article
you can find it here. In this
article, let’s consider why this sexual sin is so dangerous.
First, depriving
one’s spouse adopts the world’s rules for the use of God’s good gift. This never turns out well.
God designed, created, and is Lord over marriage and sexuality. He has designed them to work in a
particular way. When they are used
in ways contrary to God’s design, it leads inevitably to heartache. For example, according to God’s Word,
the only appropriate context for sexual activity is the monogamous marriage of a
man and woman. When sexual
activity takes place outside of that context, all kinds of problems ensue. (Examples from Genesis alone: Gen16:1-6; 19:1-29; 19:30-38; 29:1-24; 34:1-31; 38:1-30; 35:22 [cf. 49:1-4]).
In addition to that contextual boundary, God’s plan is for
marriage/sexuality to be other-centered or service-oriented. We learned this from 1 Cor 7:1-5 in our last article, but it is also the overarching picture derived from the
Christ/Church depiction of marriage in Eph 5:22-33. I am here to serve, is
the God-intended attitude for every husband and every wife. Regarding the sexual relationship, that
attitude should take the form of, my
sexual energy exists for the pleasure of my spouse. That is why God gave it to me (1 Cor 7:3-4).
To deprive one’s spouse is to assume that the opposite is
true, which is that my sexual energy
exists for my pleasure. This is the message that the world
propagates. It is the message that
the world received from the god of this world, a message he first preached in
the garden of Eden (Gen 3:1-7).
God gave boundaries for Adam and Eve in the garden, boundaries for their
good lest they die. The serpent contradicted
God, questioned His motive, and accused Him of withholding something good. By this, he introduced a new ethic,
prefer yourself. Don’t listen to God. Do what you want. And of course, following the devil’s rule in God’s world was
disastrous.
The same principle applies in marital sexuality. God has designed it to work one way,
but when we bring in the world’s perverted ethic, difficulty follows. The
sexual relationship in that case will not be a neutral component of the
marriage, causing neither good nor bad.
Rather, that gift of sexuality will create frustration and strife
instead of bliss and unity. Bank
on it.
A second danger is
that this sexual self-centeredness will permeate the rest of the marriage so
that the whole atmosphere of the home will be one of self-fulfillment (the
world’s ideal) rather than selfless service (God’s ideal). Much of what is written above could be
repeated here. We cannot adopt the
world’s thinking on marriage as a whole and expect marriage to function as God
created it. The world’s thinking
on marriage is antithetical to God’s design. If we think that we can quarantine self-centeredness to the
sexual area of the marriage but have loving, selfless service in every other
area, we are mistaken. Do you know
why? Because this is a heart
issue. And the heart that says,
“no” in the bedroom is the heart that you take with you into the living room
and kitchen and everywhere else.
A third danger is the
danger most explicitly mentioned in 1 Cor 7:1-5: depriving one another can lead
to sexual temptation. Paul
begins in v2 by writing, …but because of
the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have is own wife and each
woman her own husband.
Remember that the Corinthians were under the mistaken impression that
ALL abstinence was good, including within marriage! The apostle corrects this by teaching that marriage is part
of God’s remedy for sexual temptation.
So he commands sexual activity in marriage in v3 and forbids depriving one another in v5,
after which he gives the reason for these commands: so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
In the original language, all the verbs and pronouns there
are plural. So Paul is teaching
that when we deprive our spouses, we put ourselves and our spouses in harm’s
way. We are either creating an
atmosphere conducive to sexual temptation or exacerbating temptation that
already exists. We ought not be
surprised then if a different sexual sin, either ours or our spouse’s, rocks
the marriage.
When a husband or wife commits adultery or becomes involved
with pornography or some other sexual sin – sometimes
it is the case that that person’s spouse deprived them of sexual relations,
exacerbating the sexual temptation.
Does that mean that the depriver is responsible for the sin of the
adulterer? Certainly not. No one causes another to sin. (And many people deprive their spouses
without their spouses then giving into sexual temptation. Therefore, putting a stumbling block in
front of someone is not synonymous with causing
them to sin.) But I do believe
that Paul would say that the depriver is guilty of the depriver’s sin – the sin of withholding sexual relations and
thereby putting a stumbling block in front of the spouse. In those cases, there have been two
sexual sins, not one. Some people
may be troubled or even angered by this paragraph. I would just ask you to read
1 Cor 7:1-5 again and see if these things are not so. When we deprive our spouses, we invite danger.
Please understand, I don’t write these things to trouble
those who have been hurt by the sexual sin of a spouse, but to warn all of us of
the danger of depriving our spouses.
This is not a small thing.
We must treat it with seriousness.
It is also not my intention to imply that the only reason to avoid any particular sin is the danger is poses to us. The first and best reason to hate and kill any sin is that we love God. That He tells us to do something or not do something should be good enough for us. This issue should be no different.
“So, does that mean I can never say, ‘no’?” This
question and others will be considered next time, Lord willing. Until then, if this is a sin you
struggle with, prayerfully think about the dangers discussed here. The Lord has designed good things for
you. And His commands regarding
this area of marriage are for your good.
You can trust Him.
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