How should we receive the rebuke of other believers? I’m often asked questions about when
and how to confront others. But
I’m not sure if anyone has ever asked me about how to receive confrontation
well. That’s regrettable since it
seems that the vast majority of us don’t do it well. We probably need to give at least as much thought and prayer
to how we receive confrontation as to how we give it.
Everyone loves to give and receive gifts. When someone sees me in need and gives
a gift to meet that need, it tends to endear that person to me. I’m touched that they would be so
thoughtful and caring. Typically,
I will look for ways to show them my gratitude and to reciprocate in some
way. I’m sure you can relate.
But consider how differently we receive rebuke. When someone confronts us to correct or
rebuke, what happens in our hearts?
We certainly don’t receive it as a gift. Many of us are moved instantly to a defensive posture. Our heart rate increases, we become
anxious, our skin flushes – a textbook fight-or-flight response. We begin, at least internally, to
justify ourselves. Like the
scoffer of Proverbs, we stop listening to the person talking to us and we
mentally outline our rebuttal (Pro 13:1).
Indeed, we may even go on the offensive, finding reasons why the person
in front of us doesn’t understand or doesn’t have the right to say these
things. Perhaps, we even think of
ways they have sinned that in some illogical sense make them unqualified to confront
us.
Proverbs is treasure trove of wisdom on this issue. Consider what Proverbs 9:7 would tell
us about our typical response to correction: Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a
wicked man incurs injury. If
we tend to turn the tables on those who confront us, what are we? We are wicked scoffers.
Other proverbs indicate that there are two approaches to the
reception of reproof: the way of wisdom and the way of
the fool. Proverbs 12:1 teaches, Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates reproof is stupid…
I’m pretty sure the Bible just called most of us
stupid. The wise person who loves
knowledge will welcome correction.
But only stupid people hate reproof. That’s strong language. But why would the Word say such a thing – that only the
stupid hate reproof? Because
reproof shows us where we are wrong and gives us the opportunity to change. Correction leads to growth, and the
wise want growth.
We all have an inborn instinct for self-preservation. That’s why we don’t throw things at the
doctor when he or she gives us a diagnosis. The doctor is helping us by revealing what’s wrong so that
we can recover and be healthier.
To ignore that internal issue will only lead to bigger problems later
on. We’re usually thankful when
doctors are able to tell us what is wrong with our bodies.
We could think of correction or rebuke as a much needed
x-ray of our hearts. It’s for our
good. We’ve been called to be like
Christ, and if we love Christ, we’ll want
to be like Him. Therefore, we
should desire to know what parts of our lives do not resemble Him so that we
can change. Correction is similar
to a diagnosis that says, “hey, something’s wrong and if you ignore it, there’s
gonna be big problems ahead.” If
we rightly think of sin as detrimental to our spiritual wellbeing and we desire
more than anything to be like Christ, ought we not welcome others pointing out
to us those faults that we don’t see in ourselves?
When we think in those terms, it makes logical sense that we
would welcome correction and receive it as a gift. So why don’t we?
Why do we so often get angry and turn on the person helping us? Well, here’s another diagnosis that
applies to every one of us: when we get angry or defensive in response to
rebuke, we can know that we are eaten up with pride. So in addition
to whatever the person in front of us is rebuking, we can add pride to our list
of spiritual maladies. Pride is at
the core of our impulse to defend ourselves against correction.
A rebuke goes deeper
into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool (Pro
17:10). The more we grow in
Christlikeness and the more humble we become, the more we will welcome
correction as a gift. We’ll thank
the Lord for it. We’ll not regard
those confronting us with suspicion or question their motives or put them on
our “list,” but we’ll have greater affection for them – they’ve helped us
become more like the Lord.
I’ve got a long
way to go on this. But I’ve begun
to pray for my own heart that the Lord would help me to regard correction as a
loving, gracious gift from Him.
And I’ve prayed that He would help me to regard those who correct me –
even those who correct me in a spirit of harshness – as tools in His hands
doing me good by His sovereign, gracious design. You’re invited to join me. Imagine the growth that would take place in us if we all
regarded rebuke as a gift.
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