Many married people develop a bunker mentality regarding trials, where “I have my problems and you have your problems…I’ll pray for you.” We can become so consumed with our own trouble that we leave our spouses to deal with theirs by themselves.
Did you know that there is no one on the planet better positioned to help your spouse through trials than you? You have the singular blessing of being the most prominent sanctifying influence in their life. If your spouse is going to be helped through a difficult season, if your spouse is going to be refreshed in the Lord, there is no one better positioned to assist them in that than you are.
There are any number of ways you can help, but several stand out in light of New Testament teaching. First, embrace your biblical role as a spouse. Ephesians 5:22-33 is not merely the most efficient way to run a household. It is the blueprint for living as husband and wife in a manner that commends the gospel. It instructs husbands to spiritually nourish and cherish their wives as their own bodies, pouring themselves out as Christ did for the church. Husbands, give as much care to your wife’s well-being as you would to taking care of your own body. Just as you are members of the body of Christ, so you are one-flesh with your bride. Be attentive, listening to her. Few are the wives who find no comfort in a husband who listens, prays, watches and waits with her during storms.
Similarly, wives are commanded to respectfully submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ in everything. The man who is under a tremendous load endures an even heavier load when he is forced to bear up under the demoralizing influence of a contentious wife. Even the worst of conditions can seem preferable to living with a quarrelsome woman (Pro 21:9, 25:24, 27:15-16). Frequently, a man’s troubles come from outside the home. His wife can help him by minimizing those inside the home.
Second, speak biblical truth at the appropriate time. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29). Great help comes from gracious words. This rules out corrupting talk or speech that tears down. If you have a sharp tongue, make Psalm 141:3 your prayer: “Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Meditate daily on James 3 regarding the terrible power of the tongue. On the other hand, meditate on the healing power of godly words: “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad” (Pro 12:25). “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Pro 25:11).
Speaking truth at the appropriate time involves knowing what kind of truth is most necessary given your spouse’s circumstances. If your spouse is suffering, there is not likely to be a one-size-fits-all biblical response. In 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Paul recommends tailoring the approach to fit the occasion: “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” Your spouse may be suffering as a consequence of his or her own idleness, that is, either physical or spiritual laziness. Others are on the other end of the spectrum, worn-out and discouraged—fainthearted. Still others may be suffering simply because they are weak—they don’t have the resources to act.
These are all different situations, which call for different ways of helping. It is unhelpful at best, devastating at worst to bring the wrong remedy to bear on someone who needs assistance. For example, if you give to a lazy person the kind of help that you would to the weak, you are just enabling them in their laziness. Paul says the idle person needs to be rebuked. This could take the form of a gentle, “Look, this is ungodly idleness. You need to get busy obeying the Lord.” If they are spiritually lazy, show them from the Scriptures what happens to the person who does not keep a close watch on his or her life. There are plenty of passages in Proverbs, particularly the passages on wisdom and folly in chapters 8-9. If they are physically lazy, you could share with them 2 Thessalonians 3 where Paul said that those who don’t work shouldn’t eat (cf 1Tim 5:8). The idle person needs to be lovingly rebuked.
On the other hand, if you rebuke the discouraged the way you would the idle, you will likely drive them deeper into discouragement. Encourage them from the Scriptures. Read to them from the Psalms those great prayers of needy people to a great and kind God (Psalm 3, 34, 40, 63, 91, 103, 121). Help them to see that our mighty God forces our trouble to do us good (Rom 8:28-30). Remind them that our troubles make Christ more needful to us and therefore sweeter to us (2 Cor 1:3-10). Bring the biblical treatment appropriate to the situation, and thereby offer help to your spouse.
Third, be patient. This is the final exhortation of 1 Thessalonians 5:14. No matter what your spouse’s circumstances, be patient. We may want to “help” our spouses with their suffering by prodding them to get over it, motivated mainly by our own convenience. Their difficulty is a major annoyance to us, so we push them get a handle on it. Can you imagine Jesus being that way? “Get this fixed because you’re driving me nuts! This problem you have is getting in my way.” No, in our sin He pities us because He knows we’re miserable. So He helps us. Purpose that your spouse will feel no heat from you in the form of “Hey, you’re suffering is cramping my style.”
Fourth, make your spouse’s burdens your own. I know a young husband who does this remarkably well. As I’ve watched him over the years, I have begun to pray, “Lord, please send two just like him to marry my daughters.” He exemplifies the idea of bearing his spouse’s burdens. To my knowledge, his blessed wife has not faced a trial alone since the day she married this man. He has shepherded her through conflicts with others, spent himself caring for her in sickness, and stayed close to Christ so as to better serve her. If you ask this man the state of his wife’s heart or what concerns her on any given day, he’ll tell you instantly because he has adopted her concerns as his own.
“Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal 6:2). This is the opposite mindset to that of the impatient observer, addressed above. If we are truly one-flesh with our spouses, there should be no “his and hers” problems. We must enter into the suffering of our spouses. The Lord did this when He took on human flesh, was tempted in every way as we are, made our sin His own, died for it, and dedicated Himself eternally to interceding for us (Phil 2:5-8; Heb 4:15; 2 Cor 5:21; 1 Pet 2:24; Heb 7:25; Rom 8:34). To help your spouse, as Christ has done for you, grab those burdens and own them.
Fifth, serve your spouse. Paul argues in the book of Galatians that freedom from the law does not equal freedom from serving others. Rather, love will lead us to serve (Gal 5:13). Making your spouse’s burdens your own will make you naturally in-tune with your spouse’s needs. Love will move you to meet those needs. When they need a listening ear, give it. When they need sexual fulfillment, offer it. When they need prayer, get on your knees together. When they need rest, move heaven and earth to provide a quiet, uninterrupted place.
Certainly, there are other ways to walk with our spouses through trials, but these represent a great starting point. Oh, to be like Christ for them! What a wonderful Savior! Consider what a glorious thing it would be for your spouse to be able to say, “my spouse has been the tangible expression of Christ’s help in my life. My spouse is a gift of the Lord Jesus to me. I have only been helped toward Him by my spouse.” What is your spouse enduring today? What are you doing to help?
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