Whenever I fly, it amazes me how few passengers are interested in learning how to survive a plane crash. We may have all heard the information before, but surely we could always use a refresher course on how not to die. Yet, while the flight attendants give their survival presentation, some flyers are taking a last desperate drag on their smart phones. Others are dead asleep, as if anesthetic was being piped through the ventilation system. Still others appear frantic to find something—anything—to distract them from the flight attendants.
Among the more crucial pieces of information being missed by the majority of the passengers is how to use the air masks that pop out of the ceiling in the event of cabin depressurization. When those things drop down, what would be the instinct of every parent with a child sitting next to them? I’ve got to get the mask on little Johnny—ASAP! Once he’s settled, then I’ll put on my own. That may be instinctive, but it’s the wrong thing to do. Anyone caring for someone else on a plane should secure their own oxygen mask first. It may sound self-centered, but it’s the most caring thing to do. Why? In the event of depressurization, it only takes seconds to black out. If you don’t put yours on first, you’re in serious danger of blacking out before you can secure the mask on the other person. Then you’re both in serious trouble. By making sure you’ve got oxygen first, you ensure that you both will be able to breathe.
I’ve heard that illustration used to validate a kind of blanket self-interest. In fact, it was used to promote self-care before “self-care” was a buzz word. The idea is “If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone.” The problem is that "taking care of yourself” can be dangerously expanded to include virtually anything you want to do, making it quite easy to justify a self-centered existence. So I’m extremely hesitant to apply the principle to marriage in a broad way, especially when the model given by the Lord Jesus is to pour oneself out for a spouse. However, there is one area of your life where this principle must be applied if you are going to be a blessing to your spouse. It is in the area of your own spiritual health. To be more specific, if you are not consistently pursuing vibrant fellowship with the Lord, you will not merely be unhelpful to your spouse, but you will drag them down.
J.C. Ryle, in his Thoughts for Young Men, addressing the significance of a man’s spouse to his spiritual health, wrote, “Your wife must either help your soul or harm it. She will either fan the flame of Christianity in your heart, or throw cold water upon it, and make it burn low. She will either be wings or handcuffs, an encouragement or a hindrance to your Christianity, according to her character.”1 Of course, the same could be said of a husband’s influence on his wife’s spiritual wellbeing. Your spiritual condition will be either a blessing or a curse to your spouse. If you would be the former rather than the latter, there is one thing you must do for yourself, and therefore for your spouse: wear yourself out pursuing Jesus Christ.
The number one reason to spend time with Jesus is to grow in Christlikeness so as to glorify God (Eph 2:1-3:10). The second reason is because it is pleasurable! Jesus is the source of pleasures forevermore (Psa 16:11). A third reason—and the focus of this article—is that having enjoyed Christ and become like Him, you become a greater blessing to others, especially your spouse (Eph 4:7-16). You will be a better husband or wife by pursuing Christ above all things.
I, like many of you, have heard more sermons on marriage than I can count. I’ve been to the marriage conferences and read the books. What I’m proposing here may not sound like the “practical and relevant” advice advertised by so many of these resources. However, take it to the bank: the greatest thing you can do for your spouse is to love Jesus with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. It is the most practical and relevant course of action to take in your quest for a godly marriage. Avail yourself of the means of fellowship with Jesus and do so with tireless zeal.
I actually despise the term self-care. Let’s put a better name on what I’m proposing: Christ-enjoying, God-glorifying, spouse-blessing, soul-filling, focused-time-with-the-Lord-care.
Next, time we’ll look at how this blesses a spouse as well as how its absence can be a “curse.”
1 J.C. Ryle. Thoughts for Young Men. Cedar Lake, MI: Waymark (2018), 54.
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