Not long ago, I presented a sermon on behalf of the elders which sought to bring awareness to the growing diversity of our congregation. While there is some welcome ethnic diversity we were primarily thinking of the diversity of people with special needs or neurodiversity. We want to continue to cultivate a culture that welcomes all people as God’s image-bearers. More than that, we want to lean into relationships with people who are like us because it shows the power of the gospel to bring unity to the church (Eph 4:1–7).
But such movements towards new people can come with speed bumps. If we don’t have experience with certain areas of diversity, or lack knowledge of it, we can make statements that may be unintentionally offensive. Worse, we can reinforce stereotypes or false information.
While a post like this can’t cover everything, it’s a start. Here are a few statements to avoid as you lean into relationships with others.
1. “Why can’t you just be normal?”
This could cover several situations. Someone who may be socially awkward, have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder, be on the Autism Spectrum, or more. In each case, the individual’s behavior may not look like your behavior or what you’re used to seeing in others. In frustration we may blurt a hurtful phrase like “Why can’t you just be normal?” Well, for them, their behavior is normal.
We certainly would not excuse sinful behavior. But other behavior that may seem odd or off-putting (e.g., tapping feet, flapping arms, or fiddling fingers). This isn’t harmful and could even be helpful for the individual. The goal for a neurotypical person (someone we would often call “normal”) is to be patient with the other person unlike us. Just like we would adapt our expectations and responses to someone very young or very old, we ought to adapt to the person who is not like us. More than that, we get to know him or her, seeking to understand how God has made them so that we can serve them well (Matt 10:43–45).
2. “She’s only a little autistic.”
This one is representative of a cluster of comments people often say. Others include something like: “Are you a genius or have some special mental ability?”; “You don’t act like my other autistic friend”; or “That’s okay. We’re all a little autistic.”
These comments misunderstand the nature of Autism. This is understandable as the science behind our understanding keeps changing as well. Autism Spectrum Disorder is a neurological and developmental disorder that is diagnosed based on genetic testing and behavioral analysis. This affects a person’s understanding of the world around them and how they, in turn, interact with the world (and people!). And what was once thought to be differing issues are now seen as falling along the same spectrum of disorders. This means not everyone is “Rain Man.” Not everyone has the same level of intelligence nor is it expressed the same way.
To be clear, everyone on the spectrum falls somewhere different. This doesn’t mean that no two people can have the same basic experience. But it does mean that we have to take people as individuals. Proverbs says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (20:5). This is true for the average person and even more so for the person who sees the world much differently than us. Rather than assign them an easy category, take the time to draw them out in friendship and understanding. “[In] humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil 2:3).
3. “ . . . .”
The worst thing to do is ignore someone and not say anything at all. This might be tempting to do is because a person seems to have minimal social interaction and you’re not sure how he or she will respond. So, you might default to only talking to the person’s parent or caregiver rather than the person. Or, you may simply just find it easier to avoid the person altogether. Neither are good options.
Paul says that, even in the face of differences, we ought to “welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God” (Rom 15:7). The immediate context is about theological differences which result in preferences about secondary issues. The principle can be expanded and applied to this situation of diversity as well. We have a general stance of looking past our differences to see the one for whom Christ died and has been welcomed into his kingdom through faith in the gospel. Rather than ignore someone different, we receive them with grace.
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