In this article, we want to highlight some ways that we can better understand one another. There are times when we want to love and help but are clueless about what is really needed. Worse, we are mistaken in our understanding of the regularly lives of those with special needs or those caring for them.
Here are some insights into the minds and hearts of special needs families. Not every need is the same, so parents and families will have varying degrees of experience. But these things are generally true for many people. We hope these insights help raise awareness and empower caring hearts more than leaving anyone feeling condemned.
We Love When You Show Genuine Concern for Our Kids
It’s really easy to not know how to interact with someone with special needs, especially a child. But ignoring them is worse. It implies he or she is a problem or not worth your time. You may not actually be thinking those thoughts. But it can feel like it. Take time to look the child in the eye, say a simple hello, and give a smile. Even if the child ignores or responds in an unexpected way, the parents feel loved because you showed love for their child (Rom 12:16).
We Want You to Engage with Our Other Kids Too
Sometimes, the opposite of the above situation happens and in a family with multiple kids and only the one with special needs gets attention. This isn’t good because it can become an opportunity for the other siblings to be tempted to resentment and bitterness toward their brother or sister. Those with special needs may require different attention but don’t forget that others in the family have their own needs too (1 Thess 5:14).
We Can Feel Judged as Being Bad Parents
Often those with special needs—especially those with neurodiversity—process the world in ways that affect their behavior. What looks like disobedience or sinfulness can really be a lack of understanding on the child’s part. Other times, brains struggle to keep up with bodies, and knowing misbehavior is happening before the child realizes it. Most parents work hard at teaching their children proper behavior. But it can look like we’re failing or don’t care. And we can feel the stares and glances, or on the worst days, the disapproving comments. As an act of love, assume the best of us and know that there may be more at play than is obvious (1 Cor 13:4–7). You can also pray for us to navigate the deep waters of our children’s hearts, trying to parse out behavior and biology (Prov 20:5).
We Often Live with Ongoing Grief
As we watch our kids grow, they pass simple milestones in life—first days of school, “big” birthdays, dances, and more. But these can be bittersweet. While other kids (maybe even other kids in our family) experience these things in “normal” ways, our child doesn’t. Even if we have come to terms with our child’s disability, trusting God in all things, these milestones can be painful. They are fresh reminders that our children often struggle, feel rejection, and miss out on happiness in ways we have not. We can’t give our kids the life we don’t want them to have and that can be painful. On occasion, these thoughts can even overwhelm parents, leaving them sobbing over breakfast or heavy-hearted for a short time. Life moves on and so do we, looking again to God, and trying to meet the challenges we face alongside our kids (Isa 43:2). But that coming-and-going sense of grief can sit under the surface of it all. Pray for us.
We Want You to Ask Questions
Again, it can be tempting to avoid what we don’t understand. If you want to understand our kids or our struggles, or how best to love and come alongside, just ask. When asked in a kind spirit, we’re happy to explain our situation. Even more, we happy for people to help us (Gal 6:2).
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