What should we do when someone we care about is hurting?
Consider Proverbs 25:20: Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.
This verse has been particularly helpful to me recently, primarily by convicting and correcting me. Often I have tried to help the hurting by doing the exact opposite of what this verse suggests. This is the case even though I have been on the receiving end of such “help” and found it to be anything but comforting and encouraging. I’d like to share with you my meditations on this verse, hopeful that it may benefit you as you care for those around you.
Who might qualify as the heavy hearted? Another way to translate this phrase is “heart of trouble.” That leaves quite a broad field—anyone who is troubled. Could be someone reeling over the loss of a family member, someone rejected by a loved one, someone grieving over their sin, someone whose anticipated ideal future has just collapsed. Countless circumstances and choices could lead one to a heavy heart. If we keep our eyes open, we’ll know a heavy heart when we see it.
One crucial thing to consider is that sometimes the trouble that caused the heavy heart is so jarring that such a person is not prepared to consider solutions or to even process what sounds perfectly reasonable to us. Rather, they are in mind-numbing pain.
What is it to “sing songs” to a heavy heart? The singing of songs in the Scripture tends to coincide with celebration. Exodus 15 records Moses and the people singing a song to Yahweh following the Red Sea crossing. Deborah and Barak sang a song rejoicing over the defeat of Canaan in Judges 5.
Perhaps Psalm 137 contains the most helpful insight connecting singing with joy: For there our captors asked of us words of a song, and our tormentors asked of us jubilation, “Sing for us from a song of Zion” (Psalm 137:3 LEB). This is a psalm lamenting the captivity in Babylon. Captivity obviously is a troubling condition; here, it was made worse by the captors demanding singing. The verse parallels singing with jubilation. Singing in the wrong context is equated with torment.
I can think of two broad categories that could qualify as “singing songs to a heavy heart.” First, we may be oblivious to the suffering of our friend, and in that fog rejoice in front of them regarding a blessing in our own lives. Perhaps we expect them to “rejoice with those who rejoice” (Rom 12:15). However, the priority question should not be what is required of the other person in this situation, but what is required of me? It’s always best in the application of Scripture to prioritize our own obedience before holding others to the Lord’s standard (Matt 7:3-5). The call to rejoice with those who rejoice is coupled with “weep with those who weep.”
A second way that we could sing songs to the heavy hearted is by immediately exhorting them to “cheer up.” On this note, I have heard (and sadly, I have said) standards like the following:
“Look on the bright side…”
“You’ll be thankful later.”
“I’ve been through the same thing and everything turned out great.”
“It could always be worse!”
“God is good, sovereign, and wise.”
“Don’t let this steal your joy!”
Notice about these kinds of statements...they are well-intended. Some of them are absolutely true. However, if we are right to think of them as examples of singing songs to the heavy hearted, they may be poorly-timed. These same statements may be very helpful later. Proverbs 15:23b reads, “…a word in season, how good it is.” But saying them in the immediate aftermath of trouble may make them a word out of season.
What can be the effect of our singing songs to the heavy hearted? The proverb uses two similes both of which indicate that we may end up bringing the opposite of what we intend. Instead of comfort and encouragement, we may trouble them further.
Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day…
The simile speaks for itself. To remove a garment on a cold day is to expose a person to greater discomfort rather than warming them.
…and like vinegar on soda.
The best known and most entertaining of school “science experiments” is to fill a pop bottle with vinegar, then introduce a measure of baking soda. If you’ve done this, you know what happens. It erupts! When we sing songs to the heavy hearted, we are not likely to calm them, but may intensify the tempest in their hearts.
Now, why might this be the case? Why might our well-intentions singing of songs prove unhelpful to the heavy hearted? I can’t say for sure and there may be a number of reasons. But one that makes sense to me is that singing songs to the heavy hearted inadvertently makes light of the seriousness of their suffering.
The least that can be said is that if our go-to when approaching people in a raw state of suffering is to “sing songs” to them, we will likely leave them worse off than before, more discouraged than encouraged.
What is a wiser way? A first possibility is to listen. The Bible prioritizes listening above speaking in communication (Prov 1:5; 10:19; 18:13; 25:12; Jas 1:19). Therefore, we should—if they want to talk—let them talk. And while they are talking, we should try to understand. Compassion will come not from our identifying a situation in our lives that was similar, but in listening to how they are suffering in theirs.
We could also ask, “how can I help you?” I have people in my life who do immediately want help thinking through things. They want to hear truth. They want to be “cheered up.” Others initially just want to be heard. Certainly, we need to be discerning here. Sometimes a person in a crisis is not in a great place to know what is best for them. We should however be cautious and at least hear from them what they need from us.
The promise to pray for them is always a good idea. Offering to pray with them is great. Offering to read a Psalm with them can be very helpful. Psalm 23 is a wonderful choice.
Finally, having done one or more of the above, we can ask, “Can I circle back to check on you in a few days?” Here’s the thing: the Bible also tells us that the heavy hearted need encouragement (1 Thess 5:14). Scripture prioritizes listening before speaking, not listening to the exclusion of speaking. By coming back later, we can cautiously discern whether the person in a better frame of mind and heart for us to encouragement them with truth, help to shape their thinking, or in some other way assist them in dealing with the situation.
These things obviously require wisdom. The great news is that God gives it graciously to those who ask (Jas 1:5). May the Lord bless us with the wisdom to take seriously the concerns of the heavy hearted and to minister to them in timely and appropriate ways.
Comments