“I’ve been hurt by someone…how do I get over the anger and bitterness?”
To begin, this is not the same thing as asking, “How do I forgive?” Biblical forgiveness is not widely understood. I’ll not spend much time explaining it here as we have done so many times before. Briefly, our culture holds that to forgive is to stop feeling angry or bitter against an offender. However, that is not how the Bible uses that word. To forgive according to the Bible is to commit to pardon and be reconciled to the repentant. Therefore, biblical forgiveness is not an internal emotional act. It is the communication of a commitment to pardon and it can only be given to the repentant.
Now, the Bible does command us to deal with those angry and bitter feelings, and to do so very quickly. Ephesians 4:26–27: 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. The Bible doesn’t label that as forgiveness, though.
Given the distinction between “dealing with anger and bitterness” and “forgiveness,” the question still stands, “how do I get over my anger and bitterness?” The following are principles guiding us on that question, and they can be helpful to us whether or not the offender ever repents.
Overcoming our anger and bitterness is largely a matter of controlling our thoughts by “putting off” and “putting on.”
The way of biblical change is to put off the things associated with our prior deadness in sin and to put on those things associated with life in Christ. This principle is taught in the very same passage where we’re told to deal with our anger and bitterness. In Ephesians 4:22-24, Paul tells us, “to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”
As noted above, Paul goes on to instruct us specifically to put off anger and bitterness. So, we need to get rid of the anger and bitterness associated with the offense committed against us. Additionally, there is usually a pattern of thoughts associated with those feelings. We usually feel the negative emotions as a result of meditating on the sin that was committed against us.
Likely, those emotions and thoughts are initially justified. That’s why Ephesians 4:26 reads, “be angry…and do not sin…do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Yet, those thoughts and emotions, likely initially founded upon a God-given sense of injustice, if left out too long, will morph into motives for sin. The devil will take those things and use them as ingredients for a bitterness soup.
So in accordance with the pattern of putting off and putting on, we must not only stop meditating on the sin committed against us, but we must also think something else. This change in thoughts typically leads to a change in emotions, from anger and bitterness to peace.
We should turn our thoughts from the offender to the Lord.
In the aftermath of an offense, we tend to fixate on the character and works of the offender. We need to stop fixating on the character and works of the offender and replace it with a fixation on the character and works of the Lord.
Psalm 37 is a great biblical example of how the Holy Spirit would divert our attention from an offender to the Lord and His justice:
1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! 2 For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. 3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. 6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! 8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. 9 For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land. 10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more; though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there. 11 But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace. 12 The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes his teeth at him, 13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he sees that his day is coming.
Wait patiently for the Lord. Justice will come. There is no injustice with the God. He can be trusted. The point of looking at the Lord and His character—specifically, His love for justice, His goodness, and His works—is that it moves us toward faith and not doubt. When we only look at the offender, all we do is doubt. “Oh, they’re gonna get away with it. Worse, they’re gonna do it again. There’s gonna be no justice.”
When we look to the Lord, we’re moved to faith. There is no injustice with the Lord.
Another great passage depicting the psalmist having this shift from fixation on the offender to fixation on the Lord is Psalm 73. We won’t take the time to read it here, but it would be well worth your attention, memorization, and meditation. Initially, you can just hear the psalmist devolving into bitterness while fixating on the evildoer. But in v17, there is a turning point. He looks to the Lord and there is a transformation of thought and desire.
So fixating on the Lord reminds us of His justice so that we trust Him for it.
Also, when we fixate on the Lord we’re reminded of His providence. He is in control of all things. Everything that happens is for our good, including the sins of others against us.
Psa. 119:71: It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.
Psa. 119:67 Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word.
We can find this happening throughout the storyline of Scripture. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, then he was wrongfully imprisoned and forgotten there. Yet, God was causing all of that to bring about salvation for His people.
God hasn’t changed. He also uses affliction to do us good. By fixating on Him, we’re reminded of that.
We should proactively love the offender.
Yes, we need to deal with our thoughts, which will steer our emotions. We also need to act on the level of our behavior toward that person. Our tendency will be to repay evil for evil. However, Romans 12:17ff calls us to something higher:
Rom. 12:17–21: 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Do good to that person, trusting that if there is injustice, the Lord will take care of it. Our job is to do them good. That’s not to say that we have no responsibility to confront their sin. We absolutely do. That’s clear from Luke 17:3-4, Matthew 18:15-17, and Titus 3:10-11. Yet, ensuring justice is God’s job.
There is a lot of freedom in that. We can pursue the offender for reconciliation. We can call them to repentance. We don’t have to worry about the justice piece. We can leave that to the Lord.
Jesus also encouraged us to pray for those who persecute us (Matt 5:44, Luke 6:28). Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you. Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.
There is method to what seems like madness here. The Lord may use this to bring that person to repentance. He will also use it to change our heart. It’s very difficult to do good for and pray for people without developing affection for them.
To recap, we want to replace thoughts—stop fixating on the character and actions of the offender and start fixating on the character and actions of the Lord—and replace ungodly actions with godly actions—doing good for and praying for the offender.
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