I had the privilege years ago to walk through a difficult season of life with a young man struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA). To this day, he is one of my dearest friends. More importantly, he is a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. He lives joyfully, appreciating the gospel's delivering potency and its ongoing power to ward off temptation to re-engage SSA.
We recently met and enjoyed time recounting God's faithfulness and praising Him for a host of spiritual victories. His story is one I believe to be hope-filled and needful for others to hear. Perhaps others struggling with SSA, but certainly for everyone needing a reminder of God's goodness. With his permission (name changed for privacy), below is an abbreviated recollection--Q&A format--of how the Lord rescued him from this worldly passion, from traveling a road that was quickly leading to despair and destruction.
Before proceeding, however, take note of three things. First, this is not meant to be a blog covering the sinfulness of SSA. Click HERE, HERE, and HERE for that. Second, this blog won't use up space parsing out terms. In a world of deepening sexual rebellion, terms and acronyms seem to be expanding on the regular. As it it necessary to investigate such things, I found Appendix 2 of THIS RESOURCE helpful in clarifying orientation, attraction, and desire. Third, in no way is this entry intended to shine a light on my involvement as my friend's biblical counselor. May Christ be the recipient of all praise. My friend's experience of God's grace is simply too bright a light to hide under a basket. We both desire for the Lord to use his experience to move others toward deliverance in Christ.
ME: How would you describe your experience with same-sex attraction?
JACK: Exhausting. This issue seemed to carry with it a different type of shame than a sin like opposite-sex adultery. I knew that most churches kinda dance around this issue, and people like me don't know who they can go to. As a result, they bottle it up and keep moving with the culture. I first experienced the same-sex world when accessing pornography at age 12. I was sinfully looking for heterosexual porn, but things popped up and my sinful heart latched on. When I came to you for counseling a few years later, I was terrified to bring it up. In fact, at first I didn't share with you that I was coming for help with same-sex attraction. But when I filled out the intake forms, the Lord convicted me of my need to check the box that mentioned struggling with homosexuality. I was so scared to give you that packet. You were the first person I had ever discussed this with. As a teenager, I was mortified by what might happen. But looking back, it is one of the best decisions the Lord ever pushed me to.
ME: Were you self-motivated to get help?
JACK: Sort of. I knew I needed some help sorting out some family drama, but I had no idea how big of an issue SSA was and how rebellious my heart was in general. I was so prideful and blind. SSA was just a symptom of other things going wrong in my heart. I was worshiping the wrong stuff. I guess you could say getting help was simply thrust upon me. I'm super grateful it was.
ME: When SSA was exposed during counseling, what was initially most helpful?
JACK: Having you as my counselor--being transparent and vulnerable with your own struggles--was liberating. Because of that, it didn't take long to build the rapport needed to continue sharing my heart, speaking truth, and getting the help I really needed. Probably the biggest help was you sharing a personal experience of temptation toward SSA during your college years. That story really freed me up to lay out everything I was wrestling with.
ME: During the counseling process, was it difficult to embrace the gospel's delivering power?
JACK: Absolutely! As a believer in Christ, I knew certain things to be true but I would still have seasons of doubting God's goodness. I would attempt some brand of penance to make myself right with God, forgetting my standing in Christ. I would wrestle with my identity in Christ a lot. Many times I simply had a hard time trusting that God's grace really was sufficient to handle my SSA struggles. Over time I became more convinced of his grace and saw it at work in big ways in my life. This fostered confidence in the gospel. I remember one time in particular when I was rehearsing truths from Scripture and it clicked in such a way that I found myself weeping with joy on my bedroom floor. I've had ups and downs since then, but God has never let me down. Even though the struggle didn't immediately cease, God's Word anchored me and now it's much easier to shut down sinful impulses.
ME: What have been some of the means the Lord has used to help you shut down sinful impulses?
JACK: Christian music has been huge. Just getting my thinking corrected quickly. Disciplining myself to immediately distance myself from temptation or access has been a key factor. In doing that, I try to find fellowship with the right people. People who will pray for and with me. Staying in the Word is a big one, along with prayer. It's actually a little funny: A few times I would type into the search engine a question hoping that something would pop up justifying that Christians can be same-sex attracted. The Lord must've redirected some things, because every time articles would pop up proving my hopes wrong. Even in moments like this, the Lord was protecting me from myself and evil. Those articles would usually include Scriptures that I would go look up and be helped by. When tempted these days, I have to make a choice to live for Jesus. It's not always easy, but it's right. It's good.
ME: Do you have any advice for counselors helping others with SSA?
JACK: Give a person a space to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable yourself. Try to avoid asking sterile questions and giving quick answers. Really get to know the person. If a counselor has a similar experience, that can certainly go a long way. Churches need to be equipped for things like this. Recognize it is very scary for someone to open up about this struggle--especially in a church setting. It's difficult to open up to someone who doesn't know a lot about you. Early on I would tend to ramble, so I think it's helpful to give space for that but also to limit it at times and guide the conversation to more productive things. Be patient and be sure to keep things centered on the gospel. Also, don't treat SSA like it's the one thing the gospel can't handle.
ME: Do you have any counsel for those individuals wrestling with SSA?
JACK: You're not alone! If you're a Christian, you're not the only Christian who has struggled with this issue. You have to talk about it. Find a trustworthy biblical counselor who will be intentional with the Scriptures. You need someone who won't affirm you in this sin, but will lead you to rescue in Jesus. When I was first receiving counseling, there were people in my life angry that I wasn't allowing them to validate my sin. They were angry that I wouldn't accept myself as a victim. That was a hurdle, but I knew I needed real help. There were others who didn't speak truth to me for fear of losing a friendship. I guess there are different motivations, but you have to get the right kind of help. You can't fix this thing yourself. Most importantly, know that even right now you can call out to God for help. No matter where you are in life, you can always call out to God.
This is just a glimpse into what was a wonderful and worshipful conversation. We cried, we laughed, we stood amazed that God would love rebels and turn us into saints striving to make Jesus known. More than that, we want gospel hope to reverberate to others struggling with SSA and many other sins. Jesus really is the answer. My friend and brother in Christ is growing in his awareness of this. He knows and hopes others realize the Lord still turns mourning into dancing.
Is today the day for you to bring your sin struggles into the light? Perhaps "Coffee with a Counselor" might be of help. Find a biblical counselor. Find hope. Be changed forever.
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