Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share in comfort too.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5, ESV
________________________________
Think about it, believer: How many times have you been comforted by God? Recall God's compassion in those dark times of distress, anguish, tribulation, even oppression. At what lowest point did he most fiercely remind you that absolutely nothing will separate you from His love (Rom 8:37-39)? In utter weakness, when did the Spirit intercede for you with groanings without adequate words (Rom 8:26)? In suffering, when did He direct your mind to a glory yet to be revealed (Rom 8:18)? Jesus' disciples face a life of tribulation, but in taking heart they recognize--and appreciate more fully with experience--He has overcome the world and not one affliction has met the silence of God's mercy and comfort (John 16:33; 2 Cor 1:3-4).
The passage above addresses individual comfort, yes, but the greater emphasis is laid on corporate affliction and comfort. Either way, all believers are to extend the comfort of God to others facing distress. Believers suffer in order to comfort rightly. God desires His representative comforters to know and provide His brand of comfort--a wise comfort.
But what does this entail?
Just last week--and even still as I write this entry--I was given the opportunity to think through my definition and application of wise comfort. Within the span of 48 hours, my believing mother-in-law went from life-per-usual to still awaiting her last breath in a comatose state. So quickly did my wife and father-in-law realize how much of a vapor life really is (Jas 4:14). So quickly did I realize that it was time to move my counseling equipping out of the abstract and into real life. I had a plethora of Scriptures swirling in my head. I had read "Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting," by Dave Furman. Nancy Guthrie's book, "What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts)" was also on my mind. But now it was time to be the one providing comfort.
Though not exhaustive (and certainly with situation-specific nuances yet to be considered), here is what I am learning about wisely comforting those in affliction:
1. Be present, with permission.
Suffering people need people. However, suffering people need the right people at the right time, not every person all the time. This can be overwhelming, especially to those navigating an active crisis. Believing friends and non-immediate relatives should desire to weep with the weeping (Rom 12:15). This is right and good. But questions of timing and what the afflicted individual or immediate family might find most helpful should be considered. If unsure of your role, ask someone close to the situation. Patiently await a response. If one does not come, consider your role helpful but not immediately required.
For those present with the afflicted individual, be present. What I mean is: To the best of your ability, eliminate personal distractions related to work, school, home life, etc. Extend to the afflicted individual wholehearted care. Help her recognize that God would have you be nowhere else at this time.
2. Eagerly listen; respond when helpful.
To borrow Nancy Guthrie's words, "One of the best things you can do is simply listen--without interrupting, without correcting, without fixing, without advice-giving, without judging. The truth is, most people process grief through talking. We need to talk about what happened, our fears and frustrations, our memories and our regrets. We need someone who will come alongside us and be comfortable with our confusion and with our need to simply vent the pain that is inside" (What Grieving People Wish You Knew, 82-83).
It can be difficult to listen without a nagging agenda to fix something, but suffering folks need quick hearers around them (Prov 10:19; Jas 1:19). It is often through faithful listening that the afflicted party is freed to formulate good questions leading them to request appropriate help. If you're on the scene as the eager listener, it is likely you will be asked to provide input. Wait for these opportunities; don't force them. Listening well probably has more impact than is typically understood. Resorting back to Guthrie: "Don't begin to think when you've been willing to listen, that you haven't really done anything. To be a gracious and generous listener is giving a gift grieving people really need that many people are simply ill-equipped to provide" (83).
3. Offer specific help, without being the "fix-it-all" person.
It could be that an afflicted individual is receptive to help, but unsure about what is helpful. In this case, you might be in a position to specify the help needed by asking about normal routines. "Do the kids have weekly lessons/games?" "Are family pets in the mix?" "Does the family typically prep meals for the week?" Broader, routine-based or lifestyle questions can serve as helpful inroads to narrowing (and suggesting) specific tasks. Be eager to assist and sacrifice personal time and resources. At the same time, however, lean on community. You may not be equipped to do certain tasks, and you certainly can't do everything. Identify and deploy the right people who can collectively serve the afflicted in proficient, meaningful ways.
4. Assume nothing about the sufferer's actual experience.
It can be helpful to the one afflicted to be comforted by another who has faced a similar experience. Wise comfort, however, recognizes that there is nothing identical about personal experiences. "This must be difficult" or " I am sure this hard for you" can be better sentiments than the well-meant "I know just how you feel." Situations, like responses to them, are as unique as the individuals involved. It is good to recognize that most individuals are not experts in grief. God alone knows the intricacies of each affliction being navigated. This is not to advocate silence. It is simply an exhortation to evaluate what we want to say and how it might be perceived. If the question can quickly direct the attention back to self, it most likely requires tweaking. This is love; this is wise comfort.
5. Welcome tears.
If God accounts for every single tear flowing from the eyes of His children (Ps 56:8), then wise comfort allows for crying. In moments of anguish, Jesus wept (John 11:35; Heb 5:7). Many of the Psalms are tunes of lament (Pss 12-13). If one begins to cry in your presence, it is likely the Lord is giving her the freedom to be vulnerable in your presence. Likewise, the Lord is granting you a look into what wrestling through grief by faith really looks like. When tears flow, it's likely not the time to cheer up a heavy heart (Prov 25:20). You might just be in a position to encourage her to keep crying in faith. Let her weeping fuel your compassion and gratitude for the comfort of God. Once more to Guthrie: "A person who is sad doesn't necessarily need to be cheered up but needs time, space, and permission to simply be sad for a while" (35).
6. Pray about everything.
Literally, and what a privilege! Let the Word speak for itself:
Philippians 4:6 - do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Always pray for those in affliction, and when able pray with the afflicted. Not only that, but pray for the unbelieving onlookers. Affliction tends to breed sympathy. Perhaps this sympathy would lead to a listening ear and your winsome voice proclaiming the gospel.
7. Trust God with all things.
When comforting the afflicted, there is no place for leaning on one's own understanding (Prov 3:5). (It would be more accurate to say the same for all of life!) Situational variables often change rapidly. No one other than God has the capacity to perfectly navigate the hearts of man and experiences that seemingly morph without notice. In times of distress, there is a great human need to be flexible. The sequencing and timing of events are appropriately left to our sovereign God. He holds the oceans in his hand and commands where the heavens begin (Isa 40:12). No man has the credentials to serve as His counselor (Isa 40:13). King David knew this: The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works (Ps 145:17). If this is our God, He can be trusted with all things. We depend on Him, not the reverse. God knows what the afflicted person needs, and he knows the limitations of our service. But from the first detail to the last, He is to be trusted. We are servants to this end.
I am certain more experienced folks could add a wealth of wisdom to this blog. These are just things I am learning in frontline practice. May God continue to shape our hearts and sharpen our service to always be ready to comfort those in affliction. And may we do so according to the wisdom of Christ.
Comments