Though the New Testament does not contain a ton of explicit instruction on childrearing, one verse known by almost everyone interested in the topic is Ephesians 6:4:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
It’s possible to be well familiar with a verse, but not so clear on exactly what it entails. What would it look like to follow Paul’s prescription?
Don’t Provoke Them to Anger
“Don’t provoke them to anger” may seem quite vague. Yet, as elsewhere in the Bible, the apostle has coupled a prohibition with a command – “don’t do this, but rather do this.” “Don’t provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Typically, the prohibition and the command are mutually explanatory. That is, one helps us understand the other.
If the positive command is to raise children in the LORD’s discipline and instruction, what may be the kind of parenting that provokes children to anger? It may be either some kind of parenting with no clear discipline or instruction OR discipline and instruction that does not come from the Lord. Here are several examples:
Using my authority to get my way. Here, the issue isn’t so much the standard but the end to which it is used. Certainly, we have authority over our children and should train them to live godly lives. Further, there is nothing wrong with building structure into our homes. But are the rules in my house nothing more than my preferences made into law? Is there room in my home for my children to have and enjoy their own interests? Or is every square inch of their lives shaped and controlled by me? If so, the older they get the more exasperated they will be.
Failing to practice what I preach. Here, the discipline and instruction may be from the Lord, but only the children are held to it, not the parents. Perhaps I’m teaching my kids the Word of God, consistently calling them to walk in faithfulness to the Lord. But what if I’m just pointing rather than leading? When my kids see a drastic incongruity between what I preach and how I live, they will be provoked to anger.
It’s not necessary for us to be sinless in order to avoid provoking our children. We all sin. Our kids will know that as well as anyone. But do our kids see us striving for holiness, AND when we sin, do we confess, repent, and seek forgiveness?
Applying absolute standards other than Scripture. It is confusing for a child to be taught one standard (Scripture) while being measured by another. Not only does it leave a child uncertain about what really matters, but it may also lead them to ignore the Scriptures and model themselves after a lesser standard.
For example, some parents may use themselves as the standard: “this is what I would have done; here is how I would do it.” As mentioned above, it is crucial to set a good example and walk in a way that commends what we’re teaching. That is not the same thing as holding ourselves out as the standard. Other parents may use other children—even their own children—as the absolute standard. “Why can’t you be more like…?” Better and clearer to just hold them to the Scriptures in general and the person of Christ in particular.
What other ways can you think of that we may provoke our children to anger? Given the juxtaposition of this prohibition with the positive command to raise children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, the most common ways we provoke our children will involve raising them with something other than the LORD’s way.
Bring Them Up
To bring up a child simply means to nurture them. Maturity is the goal. And that maturity has to be colored by the last phrase of the verse: in the Lord. This is spiritual maturity or sanctification. Bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord has heart transformation as its goal. In other words, we’re not looking to simply raise responsible citizens, but believers growing in Christlikeness who love God.
Nurturing precludes the concept of parenting on the side. Parenting cannot be something that we do in addition to the main things in our lives. A father, for example, should see his career as his vocation, but his occupation – what occupies his affections and greatest attention – is his role as the shepherd of His family.
Have you been guilty of parenting on the side as opposed to being a nurturer, one bringing others up to spiritual maturity? In what ways has this been manifested in your life and home?
Paul tells us how to nurture them, how to bring them up…
In the Discipline and Instruction of the Lord
Discipline is training. 2 Timothy 3:16, All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. “Training” in 2 Timothy 3:16 is the same Greek word as “discipline” in Ephesians 6:4. Discipline is not merely punishment, but also training in righteousness. So not just a negative consequence for disobedience, but also positive training toward obedience. Further, 2 Timothy 3:16 holds out the Bible as the manual for training in righteousness. Here, Paul advocates a kind of parenting that trains a child in overcoming sin and cultivating righteousness.
Instruction is teaching and warning. In the beginning of 1 Corinthians 10, Paul reminds the readers of the OT fathers: they were under the cloud, they passed through the Red Sea, they were baptized into Moses, and they enjoyed tremendous spiritual benefits as God’s people. In spite of all this, they sinned against God.
Then the apostle writes, “Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come. Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor 10:11-12). Paul notes that these things were written down for our “instruction,” the same word and concept found in Ephesians 6:4. It is intended to teach us and to warn us. Now the verb form of this word is used more often and we see it used in the sense of warning as well, in places like Acts 20:31, Rom 15:14, and Col 1:28.
Essentially, instruction shows us both the way we should go and warns about the way we should not go. Parents who employ the instruction of the Lord teach the Word of God and its application to life, while also warning them about the dangers of going astray.
Have you been intentionally employing the Lord’s discipline and instruction in your home? Or have you been going with the flow, just passing the days, surviving?
What would it look like to intentionally employ the Lord’s discipline and instruction?
One suggestion: If you find that your children are becoming engrossed in negative influences from social media, take a proactive approach by scheduling a weekly 'media review' night. Sit down together and review the content they've consumed, discussing how it aligns with biblical teaching. Use this opportunity to instruct them on discernment, guiding them to think critically about what they watch and listen to, ensuring they understand the principles of Philippians 4:8 in choosing their media.
What other ways can you think of to intentionally bring the Lord’s discipline and instruction to bear on your children’s lives?
Comments