Last time we considered a biblical alternative to self-care, particularly as a means to bless our spouses. One of the greatest ways for us to love our spouses is to pay close attention to our own spiritual health.
Before we look at how this blesses them, consider Jesus’ example. In reading the Gospel of Mark this morning, I was struck by two things. First, Jesus served tirelessly. Even in His exhaustion, when service opportunities found Him, He rose to the occasion. Requests for His attention and help were so constant that He eventually couldn’t even go into the cities; He stayed out in the wilderness and people came to Him.
Second, Jesus kept this pace of constant service by observing one private habit. It wasn’t trips to the spa for “me time.” Rather, He got up early when everyone else was asleep and went to a desolate place to pray (Mark 1:35, 6:46). To paraphrase Pastor John from the message on Sunday, when you’re feeling stretched the remedy isn’t more “me time,” but more “God time.” The Lord modeled this for us. Jesus was refreshed and prepared to serve by enjoying regular fellowship with the Father.
We should follow that example, understanding that if we are going to be a benefit to those around us—most significantly, our spouses—we must have time alone with the Lord. No brand of self-care will prepare us to serve like Jesus more than time with Jesus.
Now, how does this benefit our spouses? Pursuing fellowship with Jesus prevents the search for identity that tends to stifle a marriage. Consistent, meaningful time with the Lord regularly reinforces that your identity is in Him. Neglecting that fellowship leads in the opposite direction—a nagging craving for worldly significance. When you try to find your identity outside of the Lord, you will only ever do that in self-centered, idolatrous ways, and you will either expect your spouse to serve that same goal or you will neglect your spouse while you try to carve out your special corner of the world. However, the satisfaction that comes through fellowship with Jesus makes this an undesirable and even unthinkable errand.
Pursuing fellowship with Jesus also destroys the “what have you done for me lately?” mindset. We become like the people we spend time with. J.C. Ryle writes about this phenomenon: “You must remember, we are all creatures of imitation…There is that in us all, that we are always disposed to catch the ways of those with whom we live; and the more we like them, the stronger does the disposition grow. Without our being aware of it, they influence our tastes and opinions; we gradually give up what they dislike, and take up what they like, in order to become closer friends with them.”1 The tendency for friends to rub off on us happens also when we spend time with the Lord. Left to ourselves, you and I naturally have that “what have you done for me lately?” mindset. Jesus is the opposite. He only ever gave of Himself. The more we enjoy fellowship with Him, living with Him as our closest friend, the more the Spirit will work His character into our hearts. One blessed result is that our spouses will not be weighed down by our expectations.
Pursuing fellowship with Jesus energizes us for His work. Who can deny that this is the case? Who among us has not had the experience of enjoying Him in the Word, prayer, and fellowship with the saints and come away with a greater desire to share Him with others. Jesus Himself modeled this in John 4 in His ministry to the woman at the well. His fellowship with the Father made it so that even though He was exhausted and hungry, He was able to testify, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.” When we experience this fueling for the Lord’s work, our spouses are the most immediate beneficiaries.
Pursuing fellowship with Jesus serves as a great boon to your spouse’s spiritual life. As mentioned above, we become like the people we spend time with. If you are enjoying Jesus and talking about Him and serving alongside Him, that will be contagious in the life of your spouse. By their actions, spouses pursuing the Lord quote Paul, “Follow me as I follow Christ” (1Cor 11:1).
On the other hand, it is absolutely devastating to your spouse when you do not walk closely with the Lord. Rather than a blessing, you become the proverbial curse. Those who do not spend regular time with the Lord will drift toward self-centeredness as surely as the tide coming in. Such spouses don’t simply fail to help, but they are an impediment to the growth and personal flourishing of their mate—spiritually, emotionally, and every other way. What a tragedy when the Lord has afforded us the means to be a glorious blessing, rather than a burden.
The more I’m taken with Jesus, the more I want to be Him to my wife. I’ve noticed over the years, the closer I stay to Him, the better husband I am. The more I stray from Him, the more I become a miserable wretch of a husband.
Jesus Himself is the greatest reason to spend time with Him. It is rich and pleasurable. How gracious of Him to allow that time to be a benefit to those closest to us.
1 J.C. Ryle, Thoughts for Young Men (Cedar Lake, MI: Waymark, 2018), 52.
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