(Warning: This article should be considered “not safe for
children.”)
In this series, we’re working through the issues surrounding
the common sexual sin of depriving one’s spouse. So far, we’ve established that this is indeed a sin. We’ve also considered why it is so dangerous. And last time we began
to look at some of the most common questions raised about this issue. In this article, we’ll continue with
common questions.
“But my spouse never
meets my needs.” “Why should I do this for my spouse
when my spouse almost never does anything for me?” There could be many more ways of
stating the same sentiment, but the basic idea is, “I don’t want to be the only
one giving in this relationship.”
If you feel that way, you’re not weird. Nobody wants to be the only one serving in a given
relationship. But just because we
all feel that way doesn’t mean that it can keep us from doing what is right.
It’s possible that this question arises from yet another
worldly lie about marriage and sexuality.
The lie says, “Sex is what I give in return for what I get.” Surprisingly, there are many "Christian" marriage books that perpetuate this idea of "give in order to get." But remember we have to train ourselves
to spot and reject these lies. We
must replace them with the truth of the Word. We’ve already noted that the Bible’s design for marriage is
that it is not about self-fulfillment, but about serving someone else. When we apply that principle to the
sexual relationship, we realize that sex is not “what I give in return for what
I get,” but rather it is simply “what I give.”
There is a great country song from the 1990’s by Diamond Rio
called “Meet in the Middle.” It
was back when country music wasn’t embarrassed to sound like country
music. It was a simpler time. Anyway, the chorus is super catchy and
the words are memorable:
I start
walkin’ your way
You start
walkin’ mine
We meet in
the middle
‘Neath that
old Georgia Pine
We gain a
lot of ground
When we both
give a little
Ain’t no
road to long
When we meet
in the middle.
The idea is that their relationship works because they know
how to meet in the middle. I love that
song…but it’s terrible relationship advice, biblically-speaking. The whole 50/50 relationship idea is
dead wrong, and yet it’s unquestioned in the minds of many Christians.
Did Jesus meet His bride half way, pouring out half His
blood and then saying, “good luck”? Did
Paul exhort husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave half of Himself up for her? Does the church submit to Christ 50% of
the time? Does Paul exhort wives
to submit to their husbands in half of the matters that come up? Of course, not. The husband is to follow Christ’s
example of pouring himself out. Complete service. And the wife is to follow the example
of the church by submitting in all
things (Eph 5:22-27).
The biblical picture of marriage is one of both spouses
giving 100% regardless of what they
are receiving. If you take a close
look at all the commands given to husbands and wives in the Scriptures,
including those we’ve referred to repeatedly in this series (1 Cor 7 and Eph 5), you’ll not find any commands conditioned upon the obedience of the other
spouse. In other words, the Holy
Spirit did not move the apostle to write, “husbands love your wives as Christ
loved the church…as long as they are submitting to you and respecting
you.” In 1 Cor 7, the command to
meet the sexual needs of the spouse is not tagged with the condition, “if your spouse is meeting your needs,
too. Otherwise, hold out on
them.”
No, you and I are called to obey the Lord no matter what our
spouses do. We are commanded by
our God to give all even if our
spouses give none.
And it appears that the Lord has given us the perfect tool
to help us have the right frame of mind in that kind of situation. To the slave serving an unjust master,
Paul writes, render service with a good
will as to the Lord and not to man…
(Eph 6:7). Likewise, to wives he
writes, wives, submit to your own
husbands, as to the Lord (Eph
5:22). In Col 3:17, we’re told to do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus…. It is right for us to think of service to our spouses as
ultimately service to the Lord.
This can make it easier to serve a spouse who is disobedient and
uncaring.
But we should also recognize that love seeks the
highest good of another. Service
flows out of true love. And so
serving our spouses, whether we are receiving anything or not, when we are
making the conscious decision to love them, can be a source of joy and
fulfillment. There is great joy in
giving, not just receiving.
A somewhat related question could be stated this way: “There is no closeness in other parts of
our relationship, so that makes our sexual relationship feel something like a
business transaction. What should
I do?”
First, talk to your spouse. Share your thoughts on the issue. Be sure to convey that this is not an
ultimatum regarding the sexual relationship – you are committed to serving your
spouse in that way no matter what.
But express that you want to deepen the intimacy of your relationship by
broadening it to encompass every part of your lives.
Second, formulate a plan together. “What can we do to grow closer?” Make it a priority to spend time together away from
electronic devices and other distractions. If you have young kids, get a sitter regularly, and go out
on dates. If you can’t afford a
sitter, make a deal with another young couple to swap sitting services so that
both couples can go out. Talk
about meaningful things: share your present concerns and future hopes. Talk about spiritual matters. Pray together. Do family devotions. In short, remove the meaningless things
that are getting in between you and replace them with opportunities for
meaningful interaction.
Next time, we’ll talk about what to do if you struggle with
this sin and you want to change.
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